7.24.2014

Miscarriage

Chances are that this will be one of the more difficult posts that I write. But I have to get it out. I will apologize in advance for however scattered this may be. Recently I have been feeling completely defeated. I feel as if all the answers I am getting are "no's."

"No, you can't sell your house" It's only been on the market for nearly 8 months. We've only had 2 contracts fall through on it.

"No, you can't buy a different house" We've only put in an offer on another house, had it accepted, only to have to retract it because guess what??? Our house won't sell.

Those pale in comparison to my most recent "no"..."No, you can't have another baby" I am angry. I am sad. I am beaten down. I am crushed. I am leveled. I keep asking myself, "Why is all of this happening? Am I being punished for something? Do I deserve these trials? Why doesn't God want good for me?"

On Monday, July 7th I found out that I was pregnant. Well that's when I got my first positive pregnancy test. I knew even before then. :) I was over the moon excited. Jason and I had planned for this. I prayed and thanked God for this new little life. I prayed for His protection and continued care in this pregnancy. I came up with a cute way to tell Jason that I was expecting. I didn't tell many people because I wanted to keep it a surprise. I had no thought of anything taking a turn for the worse. I had already easily conceived, carried, and delivered two healthy baby girls...so why not expect the same this time around?

On Saturday, July 12th I started bleeding. I knew immediately that something was wrong. I listened to some people tell me that it could be nothing, that it probably was nothing and that everything was ok. That some bleeding early in pregnancy is ok. That sometimes women have bleeding throughout their pregnancies. But not me. I listened again to some people tell me that every pregnancy is different. But not like this. Call it intuition or whatever you'd like, but I knew...I knew it was over...I knew my baby was dying.

What I didn't know was that I would experience an extreme void and hurt and numbness. I didn't know that I would weep...still weep...for hours days on end. I didn't know that I would feel as if all of my happy had been stolen forever. I didn't know the moaning that I would cry out to God only to feel as though it was pointless.

On Sunday, July 13th I got a negative pregnancy test. I called my doctor, for the second day in a row, and he confirmed that what I was telling him was a miscarriage. He offered his condolences and told me that it was actually very common that women miscarry. He also told me that it was probably better off happening so early on. I have heard that from others as well, and I understand their well-meaning, but it really offers no help. However early or late, it is still a loss. I still mourn the baby that I will never get to hold and love.

I can't help but feel that my body has completely failed me. Aren't I made to be fertile and bear children? I find myself questioning every choice I've made. Did I eat something, drink something, do something to cause this? I also find myself believing that I deserved to have this miscarriage. I mean it was so easy for me to get pregnant the first two times that I'm just due to have a loss. It would be unfair if I were to easily become pregnant again. And if I'm being honest, I was scared going into the trying to conceive process because I thought it would be difficult to get pregnant again...or something like this would happen. Maybe I'm being selfish in wanting another child? Shouldn't I just be content with the two children I have? Aren't they more than enough? Aren't I blessed more than others in having children at all?  I keep thinking that I'll just wake up and it'll be a crazy pregnancy dream. But it's not. My baby is gone.

On Monday, July 14th I get up and go teach dance camp for 7 hours. I do my best to make it through the day. I do my best to dance and appear normal. A few people there know. A few friends call or text to check in with me throughout the day. I try not to be jealous of the friends that have just given birth, just announced that they are expecting, and of all of the tremendously pregnant women I see while I'm out. I try not to notice. But every time I go to the bathroom there is a reminder of the child I am loosing. It is excruciating.

I repeat this same process Tuesday-Friday. I teach a total of 35 hours of dance camp while I am miscarrying. So for those of you who didn't know what was going on with me that week...now you do.

During the short time that I was pregnant with this baby I choreographed two dances. It's kind of fitting that both of the dances share the same theme...freedom. It is bittersweet to think about, but that is what my baby has now...complete freedom. One of the dances that I choreographed is a beautiful picture to me now of my overwhelming grief and mourning that is turned into praise and dancing. It is the perfect interpretation of freedom. If you're lucky enough to be in those dances I thank you for doing them justice. I often say that my dances are like my babies, but these two will always hold an extra special place in my heart.

I've had my good and bad days. The past couple of days I have been in a funk. I feel like there is no end to this. Really up until this afternoon. I've been trying...searching for a way out of this. And I realize I can't do it. So I turn to scripture.

One story I come across is the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. They are the three men who are thrown into the fiery furnace by Nebuchadnezzar. He tells the three men that they must serve him and bow down to him and his statue or else he will have them burned alive. The three men refuse to bow and tell Nebuchadnezzar that their God will deliver them. "If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us out of the fiery furnace, and He will deliver us out of your hand, o king. But if not, be it known to you, o king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." Daniel 3:16-18

Obviously there is a relation of my trial and me being "thrown into the fiery furnace," but do you want to know what I'm hanging on to in all of that? The part that says "But if not" Basically what I think most of my funk has been about is me not understanding the why of this miscarriage. I prayed to be pregnant so it should happen right? Nope. So there's where the "But if not" comes in. I am not going to allow my devotion to Christ, my love for Christ, my joy in Christ to be determined on what I think or expect to happen as a result of my prayers. I am scared that I won't be able to conceive and carry and deliver again, but I cannot hope in that. He is still worthy. He is still good. And I need Him more than ever right now. He is my only hope. So "but if not..." I will still praise Him...and I will need His help in praising Him.

I take comfort in...

"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:17-19

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him. Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:6-9

"I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Thank you to those of you who have been walking this with me. Thank you for your calls and texts and most of all your prayers. I know that He has been with me all along in this. It's just been hard to see, and hard to admit at times as well. He shared my joy when I found out I was pregnant. He knew my fear when I started miscarrying. He holds my baby now. He knows my anger, and sadness, and fear still now. But He also knows my heart and He knows that I deeply desire to be His and to want what He wants for me. He knows that I will need Him to help me through this. And He knows the purpose for it all. To draw me closer to Him.