12.04.2013

Wednesdays: Woeful or Wonderful?

Woeful and Wonderful...again...

Sometimes I really feel as if nothing that I do or say even matters.

If I try to give a compliment then it comes across the wrong way. If I try to be a good example then I fail. If I try to give a correction then it comes across as judgmental. If I try to be serious then I'm a party pooper. If I try to cut loose and have fun then I'm irresponsible. If I try to parent then my children rebel. If I try to do something nice then it goes unnoticed. If I try to fit in then I stick out. If I try to do "all the things" then I'm angry when I can't do enough. If I try to step back from doing "all the things" then I'm angry that I'm not doing enough. Get the picture yet? Complete and utter dissatisfaction.

Maybe I should just quit trying altogether.

If I try to quit trying does that then make me a quitter? Am I just giving up? Am I supposed to? Would that really satisfy me?

If I really take a step back and think about it all then the problem starts with me. It's not that I feel as if nothing that I do or say even matters...it's that nothing that I do or say even matters. You know why? Because it's not really about me at all, now is it?

My life and my words and my actions shouldn't be about me. They should all be about Him.

When I think about it like that...the right way...I realize where I've been going wrong. I'm trying to make it all about me. When did I get to this place? And how? Stupid pride.

I had a discussion today with my friend, Leslie. She was talking about how her mom is unlike any other person that she knows. About how her mom always brings the situation back to Christ. About how at times it can be frustrating because sometimes we just want to hear "you're right," or "it's ok that you feel that way." But how can you argue with someone who really is always right...in bringing it back to Christ. It automatically sets your mind and heart in the right direction. It instantly belittles your circumstance. It totally reminds you that it isn't about you at all. It's about Christ.

Whatever the situation is that you're in...you're in it for a reason. For Christ's reason.

There are times that I really just feel like giving up, throwing my hands up and saying I can't or maybe it's that I don't want to. There are times when I feel like I've done all that I can and it still doesn't matter. It still does no good. So why even bother? I'm feeling that way now, and I'm reminded of one thing...

Last night in our advent scripture we read Luke 7:36-50

One of the Pharisees asked him to eat with him, and he went into the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. 37 vAnd behold, a woman of the city, who was a sinner, when she learned that he was reclining at table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment,38 and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wwiped them with the hair of her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment. 39 Now when the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If xthis man were ya prophet, he zwould have known who and what sort of woman this is who is touching him, for she is a sinner.” 40 And Jesus answering said to him,“Simon, I have something to say to you.” And he answered, “Say it, Teacher.”
41 “A certain moneylender had two debtors. One owed five hundredadenarii, and the other fifty. 42 bWhen they could not pay, he ccancelled the debt of both. Now which of them will love him more?” 43 Simon answered, “The one, I suppose, for whom he cancelled the larger debt.” And he said to him, “You have judged rightly.” 44 Then turning toward the woman he said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house;dyou gave me no water for my feet, but eshe has wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 fYou gave me no kiss, but from the time I came in she has not ceased to gkiss my feet. 46 hYou did not anoint my head with oil, but she has anointed my feet with ointment. 47 Therefore I tell you, her sins, iwhich are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” 48 And he said to her,j“Your sins are forgiven.” 49 Then those who were at table with him began to say among8 themselves, k“Who is this, who even forgives sins?” 50 And he said to the woman, l“Your faith has saved you; mgo in peace.”

After reading it I asked Ava if it were important if we forgive. She said "yes," but when I asked her why was it important that we forgive she just shrugged her shoulders. I told her "it's important that we forgive because Christ forgives. He forgives all of our sins every single day. When we don't share our toys. When we say unkind words. When we don't obey our parents. So we should forgive because Christ forgives. We want to try to be more like Jesus." After hearing this she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "but Jesus is so hard to be like." I let out a bit of a laugh and said, "yes, you're right He is, but the important thing is that we keep trying." 

So why even bother? There's my answer. Because we are to keep trying. That's the important thing. It's amazing that everything really does come back to the gospel. That we are messed up and completely helpless. That Jesus loves us and died for our sins. That He forgives. That all He asks is for us to believe and have faith in Him. That He only asks us to turn from our sins. That He only asks us to obey Him and keep His commandments. That He only asks us to keep trying to be more like Him. 

So there's my hope. There's my anchor. There's my happy. Even in the midst of all the terrible mess that I make or that's happening around me, I can will choose to keep trying to be more like Him. More forgiving. More humble. More patient. More kind. More faithful. More of everything good. 

"He must increase, but I must decrease." John 3:30 I've got to quit trying for me, and only try for Him. What if we all did that in all that we do? If I went to work to glorify Him not just to make money. If I parent to glorify Him not just to feel like I'm doing the right thing. If I do my housework to glorify Him not just to have a clean house to show. Talk about being satisfied. True satisfaction is found in Him. 

I remember a time when I was speaking with Leslie's mom about housework. About how frustrating it is because I never feel caught up on it. She said that she too struggles with that at times, but she has to remind herself that she ought not to be working for the :15 seconds that all of the laundry is caught up on in the house because that glory is fleeting, but that she ought to be doing her work for the glory of Christ and that glory is eternal. See how infuriating she can be??? ;) But darn if she isn't right. We've got to keep trying for the right reasons...not our reasons. No, this isn't a new lesson, just a good time for a reminder. Maybe someone out there needed it too. 

11.20.2013

Wednesdays: Woeful or Wonderful?

Here I go again starting another series, but look at me...blogging two weeks in a row! I am going to be consistent if it kills me.

Since I've decided to make my regular blogging day on Wednesdays, I figure coming up with a catchy little title and series to go along with it is just fine. I thought it might force me to become a bit more reflective of how the week has been going thus far or how the week has gone since last Wednesday. I've decided that I'll name it "Wednesdays: Woeful or Wonderful?" because let's face it...they will neither be always be wonderful nor woeful. It leaves me with options.

This first post in the series I deem to be both Woeful and Wonderful at the same time.

Let's start with the Woeful. I always prefer to start with the not so good and then end with the good...you know end on a positive. This post is specifically directed to parenting. Ok so there's about a bajillion parenting resources out there...books, websites, blogs, facebook pages, magazines, you name it and it's out there. And oh yeah, people...even people who aren't parents are actually experts on the subject. (possible sarcasm) Anyway I've never been the type of parent to go out and search for hours on end for the "right" way to parent. Nor am I the type of parent to go out and ask for advice because, quite frankly, I don't really want it. I don't usually give out parenting advice unless it is asked of me directly. Not going to find me commenting on endless sites about a general parenting issue. Don't get me wrong, I've read the books that you are apparently required to read, What to Expect When You're Expecting, Shepherding A Child's Heart, Happiest Baby on The Block, Babywise, The Baby Whisperer, I could go on and on, but the list is foreeeeeeever long. I'll spare you. :) I've also found myself casually clicking on an article that someone will post about some parenting type issue. Usually nothing ground breaking though. I'm from the school of "find what works for you and your family and support others in what works for their family even if it's different than what works for your family, and while we're at it let's not bash each other about the ways we parent."You'd be surprised that most people aren't from this same school and it's very, very sad.

Anyway I'm not posting about parenting ways in this post...possibly never. What I want to share that was a bit of an eye opener for me this week was an article that was shared by a friend on facebook. This is a blog post from Hands Free Mama titled, The Important Thing About Yelling. If you've got a few minutes go on over and read it. The basic gist of it is responding to your children in understanding and love instead of in annoyance or frustration. I wouldn't consider myself a "yeller," I mean yes I have yelled at my children before, but my struggle at times is my heart's attitude toward my children's mistakes. So I attributed her example of a "yeller" to my heart's response toward my children. Sometimes I am just downright annoyed at them. I mean geez at the "problems" and "mistakes" they have, but then I have to remind myself that they are 4 and 1. So after reading the post I had a pretty big "Woeful" moment. I cried because I too have not always been the mom that I want my children to remember, have, grow up to be like. There have been many times when I've been annoyed because Ava is "interrupting" me when I'm trying to send a text, and all she is asking is for me to play with her. I think of those moments and I think what a terrible, awful, horrible failure of a mother I have been.

Which leads me to my "Wonderful" (thank goodness) I can't allow myself to just wallow in my poor mothering in the past...or that which is sure to come, but I can make a change. Today I decided that I wouldn't allow my children to annoy me. That I would not "yell" at them from my heart but instead respond in love. That I would try to change my heart's attitude toward their downfalls. Because after all, "behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward" psalm 127:3. They are truly a reward and should be treated as such. No that doesn't mean I'm going off the deep end and never disciplining them again and putting them on a pedestal, but trying even harder to discipline myself in love so that I can discipline them in love. We had a fun day today. We played kitchen and dumped out all of the food so that we could make a pretend birthday party meal. Instead of saying "no let's not dump everything out and make a mess." I played dollhouse with Ava and let her give all 12 of the 12 dancing princesses a tour of every room, even though her nap time alarm went off when she was on princess number 4. Instead of saying "really you want to play with all 12? how about just 2?"

I'm going to challenge myself to mother my children the way that I would want someone to mother them. Not the way that I feel like mothering them at the moment. We have a family rule that says, "Treat each other like you treat your friends" based loosely on the golden rule, matthew 7:12. Isn't it a shame that we so very often give the least amount of love towards our loved ones. At the end of the day we often have nothing left to give our spouses, children, parents, siblings...when they deserve the most of all. I'm going to adapt our family rule for one of my own personal mothering rules. "Mother your children the way you would want them to mother/be mothered" or "Mother your children the way you would mother another child that doesn't have a mother" something to that affect anyway. I think you get the point. It's not going to be an easy challenge and I'm positive I will fail many, many times, but the important thing is that I'm trying.

11.13.2013

Lyn 101: 6-9

It seems I have an ongoing problem with blogging on a regular basis. Soooo I'm setting an alarm on my phone to remind me. Here's to hoping that it will help me become more regular. Only time will tell.

#6 I have a lot of nervous energy all the time...which leads to bad habits

It's not that I'm necessarily nervous...just I can't seem to stop moving. Even when I'm supposed to be still. There's the typical shaking of the foot or leg when I'm sitting and watching tv, but the two bad habits I've GOT to drop (which I'm not sure will ever happen) are picking at my nails, which my husband Jason loathes, and pulling my eyelashes out. Wow, that last one sounds really awful. It's not painful, but for some reason I'll find myself rubbing my eyes and then poof...there I am pulling out eyelashes. Geez, I'm weird. See...just in putting it in writing makes me want to stop more than ever. It's not fun to share the not so pretty parts of yourself. Like I said though, I'm doing this series not just for you, but for me. I think it's going to help me better myself.

Maybe owning this about myself is admitting that I need to be still. "Be still and know that I am God" -Psalm 46:10 or "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him" - Psalm 37:7 Or maybe I need to be less anxious "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God" - Philippians 4:6 or "Do not be anxious about your life" - Matthew 6:25 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble" - Matthew 6:34

Hmmm...

#7 Stupid things annoy me.

Let's be honest, we are all annoyed at stupid things. And why??? Because they are stupid! They are senseless. They neither add or subtract from the quality of life, and therefore shouldn't bother me, but they just do, darn it. Want me to name a few specific ones? Ok. I will :)
     Girls who swing their ponytail when they walk....annoying...really? really? just ugh.
     Drivers who leave their blinker on...annoying...can't you hear it? or are you deaf and annoying?
     When people sing the wrong words to a song when they really know the correct ones...annoying
     When I can't remember why I walked into a room...annoying...am I really getting that old???
     Unwarranted rudeness...annoying...grow up and get some manners people
     Repeating myself...annoying...please don't make me say it again
     When the water doesn't get hot when you're washing your hands...annoying...hello, germs.
There's more...lots more. Maybe even enough for another series, "Things That Annoy Me," anyone? It could be a group effort. We could all find out how not to get on one another's nerves. :)

#8 I am a germaphobe

Goes with the OCD maybe? Prolly. I don't like to share my drinks with other people, even my husband. Yes, I know, I kiss my husband "same thing, right?" No, I don't care if you think that's weird, it's not the same. The thought of sharing a toothbrush with anyone is disturbing. Whenever I have to enter a number into a keypad (gas station, credit card machine, atm) I use my knuckle instead of my finger. When I use a public restroom I only touch things with my elbows or feet...that includes opening doors, locking and unlocking doors, flushing toilets (feet!), turning on and off faucets, etc. There is no such thing as the "five second rule" for food falling on floors. The only thing that helps me with my germaphobia? Cleaning. Glorious cleaning. I love cleaning.

#9 A few of my favorite things

Random favorite things for me...aside from the obvious things such as family, friends, dancing, stars, music, some others include: all things disney (especially figment, ariel, aurora, tinkerbell, daisy duck), any bubble bath, reading the dictionary, kit kat bars and york peppermint patties, salted caramel mocha from starbucks, knitting and sewing, being woken up by someone (in a nice way of course), having freckles and curly hair, problems that make you think of an alternative solution, playing road trip games, quoting movies, the fourth of july and easter, red wine, stargazer lilies, peppermint, not being the person to break a hug, anchors, roller coasters...I could keep going, but again...maybe this is another idea for another series. Let's not get carried away though. Let's just see if I can stick with continuing the series' that I already have going.




8.14.2013

Count On Me: Laura

Ok so I know it's been awhile, again, that I've posted. Don't hate. What have you written for me to read since my last post? Hmm? Hmm? Mmmhmm that's right. I'm going to try to be more consistent in my blogging, but not for you. For me. It's truly therapeutic. You should try it. I would read. Promise. :)

So this post is about the second longest friendship I've had. She's my friend Laura. Or "La" to me. She's the type of friend who is truly and genuinely concerned about others over herself. She's got an intriguingly quirky sense of humor that I adore. I'm constantly laughing and smiling when she's around. So much so, that my cheeks often hurt from smiling so much. She's the type of friend that when you get to laughing with, you get that silent-your-sides-hurt-you-can't-breathe-laugh going. You slap your leg and point at things or each other. Amazing. What a joy La is.

She's also one of the most thoughtful friends that I've had. She asks questions, but then actually listens and cares about what your answer is. She takes it in and thinks on it and responds. That's rare. She's no surface level or fair-weather friend. She's truly dedicated to our friendship. Even when we haven't been in touch for weeks, we pick back up where we last left off and that's ok. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that in her. There's no petty drama to deal with that most girls have. There's no "well you haven't called or texted me." There's no feeling of guilt that you haven't responded to an email. There's only thoughtfulness. There's only understanding. There's only grace.

I'm not sure that La and I would've ended up being friends if it hadn't been for Kellie. You see Kellie and Laura met in middle school. Kellie and I were on separate teams and I kept hearing her talk about this girl named Laura. To be honest, I was a little sad to hear about the quick and fun friendship between my best friend, Kellie and this "other" girl, Laura. I eventually met her, and darn it if I couldn't help but love her so much myself. I'm so thankful that Kellie introduced me to this wonderful friend.

I have so many memories with you, Laura. Some of my favorites are from our cruise after graduation. Pairing up together and going to the pizza bar at who knows what hour of the day. Trying to track down Gabriel and learning to say "ich liebe dich." And Martin. Oh my. What silly girls we were! But how much fun!

I remember that recently I was going through boxes of my things at my parents' house, and I came across an envelope full of letters from college. I was floored at how many I had from you, La. You were always so encouraging and interested in how I was doing. And you always had some cute little pun about how the letter was going from Athens to Rome. :) I can only hope that I returned your kindness then, but I fear that I have not been the friend to you that you have been to me.

I remember having Kellie's bachelorette party at my house and Laura and I having so much fun together. I remember her being the only one who was concerned that something had been spilled on my brand new carpets. I remember hat Laura was at my bachelorette party...yes I remember my bachelorette party. The Compound...on Urban Night, and we were like the only 7 or 8 white people in the club. I also L.O.V.E. the fact that Laura totally danced on the catwalk with me. Amazing.

When I think of those friends that I hold dearest to my heart, I am constantly confused as to why they choose to keep me as a part of their lives. I am most certainly not the best at keeping in touch, sending cute notes to see how you're doing, calling to check in, but Laura is a perfect example of someone who is. She remembers tiny details about others and caters to them.

Laura has most definitely been a better friend to me than I have been to her. I can honestly say that I am undeserving of her friendship. Of her kindness, her thoughtfulness, her grace, her understanding. I can't change the type of friend that I've been in the past, but La is an inspiration to me to change the type of friend I'm going to be from today and forward.

I am so ever thankful that our lives are still intertwined. Laura just had her second baby. She has two of the most adorable baby boys you will ever see. I've decided that Jonathan can marry Kellie's daughter, Ellanor, and Caleb can marry my Lyla. I'm not sure I've met a boy yet that can handle Ava, and Rebekah is much to young to marry off just yet. ;)

So my precious friend, La, I hope that you know how very dear you are to me. You have been such an amazing source of inspiration, encouragement, happiness, understanding. I love you very, very much. I hope that I can be the type of friend to you that you are to me. I know that I can Count On You. Please know that you can Count On Me.

3.25.2013

Count On Me: Kellie

Do any of you have a friend that others are surprised to find out about? Like they say, "Oh you're friends with them?!" and they are kind of confused and don't see why or how? I mean I don't, but I think that's because I am that friend that people are surprised by. I know that I come across harsh and the wrong way at times. If you know me you've probably heard me say something like, "I don't want any new friends. I like the ones I have." I've oftentimes had people say to me "I thought you were really snobby before I knew you." I know these things about myself and I'm trying to be better. Honest. Being likable to everyone is tough and I'm not good at it. You know who is the master of being liked, no loved by everyone is? My best friend, Kellie.

I mean seriously the girl can do no wrong. Everyone who meets her and knows her really and genuinely loves her. Everyone that's friends with her probably consider's her their best friend, but they're wrong. She's mine. :) Kellie is the most caring person that I know. I don't think I've ever heard her speak badly of anyone else. She truly sees good in everyone. In all things. She is a super overachiever, and actually achieves it all. She has the perfect little house that is perfectly decorated all on a perfect little budget. She can't not look cute even if she's rolled out of bed. It's like everything she does is made better by her. She will literally go out of her way to help others. It doesn't matter that she's 6 months pregnant and dealing with her own one-and-a-half year old, she'll check in on me to see how I'm doing. She has a heart of gold and there's no telling how many times she was looked at crazily and asked "You're friends with Lyn?!"

We met when we were in the 5th grade, oh like 20 years?!!?!?! ago. Wow. I'll never forget thinking how crazy my mom was for being hesitant to let me go and spend the night at her house for the first time. I was like, "Mom, it's Kellie. She's perfect." We had planned on staying up all night and watching movies. Then a storm came and knocked the power out. Instead we stayed up talking. We have been through so much together. I mean we went through middle school together and are still friends. I don't care who you are...those are the most awkward times of your life. If you make it through that you can make it through anything. When I think back on my growing up, Kellie is the biggest part of it all.

I remember having the best 6th grade classes and being made to learn how to slow dance in Mrs. Sweeney's class to Madonna. I remember going to her house every morning to catch the bus and every afternoon riding back to her house. I remember we used to eat Totino's pizza for a snack and her seriously burning brownies because she forgot to spray the pan. I remember she taught me the excellent bug killing trick of slamming a phone book down on top of it and leaving it there until someone got home to clean it up. I remember visiting her family in Tennessee and folding ourselves up in the bed and getting stuck, her cousin Kylie creeping us out with her talking in her sleep and us dragging her out into the hallway because she was breathing so loudly. I remember going to church with her, staying up late talking and giggling, sharing who we had crushes on, crying over what seemed to be big problems. I remember her cutting and dying my hair and wondering after the fact if maybe we should've asked permission first. I remember jumping on her trampoline and making secret hideouts that we thought were so cool. I remember going to concerts for the first time with her. I remember going on vacations with her and her coming with me. We used to scope out all of the cute guys and name them and talk about them for the rest of the trip. Or we would speak in random accents. Or the time we got stuck in a torrential downpour while riding bikes on a golf course. I remember once we walked several blocks away from our hotel to get ice cream and getting up to the counter and we both turned to one another and said, "I don't have the money. I thought you had the money." I remember riding roller coasters dozens of times in a row. I remember doing the crazy catapult thing in Pigeon Forge and laughing until I thought I would burst. I remember the most terrifying haunted house ever. I remember camping and getting my period for the first time and then going horseback riding the next day. Awesome. I remember going to England together and sneaking out after hours to walk around in Bath and then being scared and rushing back to our room, getting locked out of church on Easter Sunday in Stratford Upon Avon all because Kellie had to go to the bathroom and 14th century churches don't have indoor plumbing and seeing our tour bus drive off without us, getting Kellie's suitcase opened by a "professional lock picker" in London and our alarm not going off the next morning and having to scramble to leave. I remember getting my license and the first place I drove myself was to her house. It was my house too. Her family became my family. I remember going to parties and prom and gathering at her house to watch TV with friends. I remember a thousand classes with her and then all of a sudden we were graduating. I remember the intense sadness I felt when she was going away to Argentina for two years. I remember wondering if I were going to lose her. If I were going to be forgotten or replaced. I was so excited when I got mail from her the first time...even if it was sent in a panty hose package envelope. I remember thinking how amazing it was that we were engaged three months apart from one another and then the next year married three months apart from one another.

I am amazed now at how are lives are still so intertwined. Having taught together, having our daughter's, becoming stay at home mom's, and now we'll both me mom's of two daughter's soon. It makes me so wonderfully excited to see our daughters become friends. I can't wait to see what's in store for them. Will they grow to be as close? Will we see ourselves growing up all over again in them? How fun for them to start making their own memories with each other.

Kellie and I have been through so much together. Somehow I've been lucky and blessed enough to keep you as a friend. I'm still unsure why you choose to have me in your life, but I'm so thankful. We've done the whole laugh-till-it-hurts thing more times than we could count. We've talked through feelings and dreams too embarrassing to share with just anyone. We've shared the details of the everyday stuff of life no one else would probably care about. Even though we've seen our lives change so much I know without a doubt that nothing will ever change how much your friendship means to me, Kellie. You see, so much of my life has been with you. You are truly irreplaceable and I love you very much. Much more than a friend. You are my sister. I can Count On You. You can Count On Me.

3.22.2013

Count On Me: Jason

Never did I ever imagine myself so completely in love and happy as I am today. It's just a random Friday afternoon, not a special day for us, no birthday today, no anniversary, but I can honestly say that I am completely more in love with Jason Blanton today than I ever have been...until tomorrow. It's like that song "I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow."

That's the thing that I'm learning about being in love. That it grows. It is continual. It never stops. That's how you know that it's real. It has life. No it's not always beautiful. In fact sometimes it's ugly and completely the opposite of what you pictured it to be. But it's in those tough moments that you know God is at work. And when He works, wow, does He make all the seemingly "ugly" moments just vanish away...no. Instead He makes even the ugly moments beautiful. Maybe the most beautiful of all because that's when true love grows.

Our love story is a "love at third or fourth sight" story...at least that's what I call it for Jason's sake. I loved him the first time I saw him. It took him a bit longer to realize that because he had a girlfriend when he met me. :) The first time that I met Jason I was a freshman at Shorter. My roomie, Jessica, had gone to high school with him. I had seen him in a picture that she had hanging on our wall. I asked who he was because he was cute. She said "oh he and my friend are dating...they're pretty serious." Bummer for me. Anyways he was at Shorter visiting some friends and decided to swing by and say hello to her, but I didn't know that. I was coming back from a dance rehearsal...gross and sweaty. I walk into our room and there sitting on our futon was Jason. I didn't stop to say anything. I just kept walking straight into our room. But I looked at him, and it really was like those cheesy chick flicks where everything else is kind of blurry except his perfect, flawless, handsome face. It was all slow motion-ish. Woah. I went in and sat down and just stared at Jessica as she was working on the computer. I asked if she was going to introduce me, which I'm sure came as a shock to her, because when have I ever needed an introduction to anyone? I'm the person that if I see someone I don't know I say "hey, I don't know you. Who are you?" Jessica introduced me and not too long after that Jason left. The next time that I saw him was when I was home with Jessica at some point. We all went out to eat with her friend Nathan too. I remember the tshirt that he was wearing and how adorable he was just sitting there across the table from me. I felt like I could just burst by being in the same room with him. There was one night that Jessica and I went to watch a movie over at his house. I remember the movie. I remember how he put too much butter on the popcorn. I remember how when he gave us both a hug as we were leaving I never wanted to be out from under his arms. Then came my junior year at Shorter and Valentine's day. Jessica had plans and I didn't...yet again. I decided to throw myself a pity party. I stayed up watching "When Harry Met Sally" and ate an entire bag of popcorn and a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Yes. I was that girl. The following day Jessica suggested that we get out of town and go to her grandparent's farmhouse for the night. It was just going to be a girl trip, but then she called to see if Nathan and Jason wanted to tag along so we weren't there by ourselves. I remember being so nervous that he wouldn't be able to come. I remember being jittery waiting for them to drive up. I remember being angry at Nathan for sitting in the backseat with me instead of Jason. We had a great time. We watched movies until late. Nathan got tired and went to sleep in his room. Jessica got sleepy and went to her room. I couldn't think about sleeping! I was so excited to have some time with Jason! We stayed up and watched another movie and talked and laughed. And before we went off to our own rooms we kissed. That was it. The end. Or rather the beginning.

No other person loves me the way that Jason loves me. Of this I am convinced. He has seen me at my best and at my worst. More often than most...my worst. He knows absolutely everything there is to know about me. He knows that little things matter to me. He knows that I want to cuddle at night. He knows that my feet will always be cold regardless of the outside temperature. He knows that when I get stressed I start cleaning. He knows. We know that we can sit and talk for hours or watch TV or read books and the being together part is what matters most. We know we can still date each other. We know we have no secrets. We know we have complete open communication. Honesty is something that I am notorious for and I am so thankful that this is something we share. We know. I know that Jason is the only man I'll ever love. I know that he is the only one who has captured my heart. I know that "look" he has when his mind is turning something over and over again. I know that he'll always ask me where something is before actually looking for it himself first. I know that I sit get a rush when I see him enter a room. I know. Our love for each other has oftentimes not gone according to plan, our plan anyway, but it has ultimately always gone according to Christ's plan. And that is the most beautiful thing of all. I am absolutely convinced that God designed Jason inside and outside specifically for me. Just as He designed me inside and outside specifically for Jason. It's like that song "I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart"

Jason will leave me notes and he'll write "if you're a bird, I'm a bird," Jason will run a bubble bath for me after a long day and have rose petals leading to it, Jason will stop on the way home from work after sitting in traffic to pick up a bottle of wine, Jason will also help discipline our children, Jason will also kill all of the bugs in the house even if I have to wake him up to do so, Jason will also take out the dog every night before bed. Jason will also always, completely, unconditionally love me, as Christ loves me. He is a good, good man. I am so undeserving. I am so blessed.

I thought that on our wedding day our love would have reached it maximum capacity. Little did I know how much more we would grow to love one another. In June it will only have been seven years that we began this journey together. How is it only seven years??? How is it already seven years??? I am thrilled to grow in this love with you, Jason. Even you said not too long ago, "we're only thirty and already love each other this much." I am astounded at our love...at Christ's love for us. I think our love can do anything. Now say you're a bird. I can Count On You. You can Count On Me. I love you my husband.


1.09.2013

Count On Me: Mom

So maybe it seems typical that I would start with my mom with this series, but why not? She's the one that I started everything with. She has most all of my firsts. I'm not sure why just the thought of writing this post makes me weep, but it does. I guess I'm not sure exactly where to start.

I should probably start with a great big "thank you mom" for everything. Thank you for growing me, teaching me, guiding me, listening to me, helping me, caring for me. It is because of you that I am the woman I am today...ok maybe a little because of Dad too...and Grandmother Eudell. I'm convinced that's where I get my stubbornness and fiesty-ness from. :)

My mother is the greatest woman that I know. She is greater than your mom. I promise. :) She has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known. She genuinely cares for others. All others. Regardless of their situation. She will give even when she has nothing left to be given. She oftentimes does not take the best care of herself because she is so busy taking care of others. She deserves everything in this world and more. She's the type of lady that can't sit still for a long period of time because there's always something to be done. Cooking, cleaning, crafting, organizing, reorganizing, etc etc etc. Jason sometimes says that I can be like that at times, and I'd like to think so, but there's no topping my mom.

My dad recently told me a story about how he learned how to love simply by watching my mom. He said that he was amazed by her when they were first together. About how one woman could love so much. He was amazed at how she could just love his family as if they were her own. Without abandon. And then when they had children how she could love them so much. It was so touching to hear my dad speak so fondly of her. He doesn't do that often. He's a man of few words, but when the few words come...they're usually pretty important. Guess who taught me that? My mom. Maybe you haven't even heard that from him yourself mom, but you should. You taught dad how to love. And that's impressive. Dad can't be taught much.

Every Christmas I am reminded of a random Christmas when I was growing up. I was maybe 6 or 7. I remember sitting and looking at all of the presents on Christmas eve, and being so wonderfully excited to tear into them the next day. There were so many gifts. Gifts for Ryan and Adam and me and Dad...but none for Mom. I felt terrible. I felt the worst sadness of my short little life. "What would mom have to open? She can't have nothing to open." I thought. I remember being angry that I didn't have anything to give her. I remember being angry that I had so much under the tree and she had nothing. I was going to do something about it. I remember that she was on the phone. The phone in the dining room that had the cord that was like 50 ft long. I snuck into the kitchen and opened up one of the gadget drawers and found something that I thought looked pretty. It was the lid to the top of a mason jar and it had some kind of design pressed into it. It was shiny and small. I wrapped it up as best as I could. I remember the next day being so excited to open my presents, but being even more excited to see my mom open up her present. When it came time for her to open it she was surprised that she even had anything to open. She was the one who had carefully placed everything under the tree after all. I remember when she opened it that she had tears in her eyes and said "Thank you very much. I love it." Later we talked about it and she told me that the only gift she ever needed was for her children to love her. "She has to want more than that right?" was my thought. But I understood. Or at least I thought I did. Now, having my own children, I know I do. You may not even remember this Christmas from when I was little mom, but I do. And it's been a huge deal to me ever since.

There are a thousand and one things I could recount about my mom. Some I'm sure she would recall and others that she probably doesn't think were significant. There's far more I'm sure that she remembers and that I don't. I guess that's what special about moms and daughters. That they fill in each other's gaps. That they balance each other out. That they are the same person in a different body.

I am so eternally thankful and appreciative of my mom. I am constantly finding myself saying or doing things like my mom and I love it. I look in the mirror sometimes and see her in me. In my eyes. And always in my eyebrows. I pray that she only becomes more prevalent in me as I grow older. I am proud to be her daughter. It used to annoy me because I could go NOWHERE without someone recognizing me as "Vickie Waddell's daughter" How vain of me to have been annoyed. How selfish of me to have thought that it was all about her. Because it is so obvious that she made me so much more important than herself. How else could everyone know about me? It was because of her. Everything is I'm finding out.

I feel like my mom and I have a wonderful relationship and always have. She has always been the parent and I have always been the child. We never went through the knock-down-drag-out-we-want-to-kill-each-other phase that I hear about with so many other moms and daughters. With my mom there has always been understanding, graciousness, love, care, affection, concern, attention, dedication, devotion, loyalty. What a wonderful woman she is. I am blessed to have her.

From our many Disney trips, dance classes/recitals/competitions, classrooms, breaking hotel windows (don't ask), sewing and painting until the early early morning hours, concerts, midnight movies, and so much more...I would trade none of it. For anything. I would trade no one for you mom. I Count On You and you can Count On Me. I love you.