5.09.2016

I'm losing myself

The first warm rays of sun peek through the shade covering my bedroom window, my husband gives me a kiss and heads out the door for work, and I sneak a glace at the clock before I lay my head back on my pillow...17 minutes. I've got 17 minutes before my alarm goes off. I squeeze my eyes shut and attempt to fall back asleep because those few minutes of sleep are precious. My head is already swirling with the to-do list of the upcoming day and 17 minutes feels an awful lot more like 17 seconds. Then I hear it, the first few notes of my one of favorite songs, Clair de Lune. There's something so magical about that song for me, and I'm happy to wake up to it every morning, but it also serves as a reminder that there's no more time for rest right now...it's time to get moving, time to get the day started.

The season of life that I'm in right now is a monotonous one. The waking children, preparing meals, pouring juice, wiping mouths and hands and bottoms, cleaning up dishes, picking up toys, sticking on bandaids, singing the alphabet, preparing meals, pouring juice, reading "Goodnight Moon," picking up toys. It's enough to make you go mad somedays. I'm not complaining and I'm most certainly not ungrateful...I'm just sayin'. It's monotonous.

I can't help but feel as if I've gotten lost in it all. It's the same thing day in and day out, nothing changes really on a daily basis, and yet somehow I've changed so much. There was a time that I got dressed in an actual outfit every single day. Now I'm lucky to shower a few times a week and change into fresh clothes that aren't covered in someone else's bodily fluid. There was a time that I taught dance classes 20+ hours a week. Now the only time I'm out of the walls of my home are when I'm at the grocery store or church, maybe 2-3 hours a week??? There was a time when I was in charge of about 30 students' well being and education for an entire year at a time. Now I feel as though I'm not doing well enough teaching just my two daughters. I'm in this strange place of trying to accept where I'm at in life, and also not feel resentful of where I used to be. What has happened to me?

Motherhood. That's what has happened to me. It's one of those things that you have no idea how to handle, what to expect, or how it will affect you until you are in it. And believe me...I'm up to my ears, in the trenches, sticky with motherhood. When you have a child your whole world is shaken, rocked to the core, and forever changed. As soon as that little, new, wrinkly person is in your arms for the first time...you get it. You know that it's no longer about you at all. What you don't know, though, is how much of yourself you're about to lose. Because of your children you lose yourself. But losing yourself isn't entirely a bad thing...that's what I'm learning these days. Sometimes we have to get lost in order to be found.


Because of my children I may have lost knowing what the newest song is on the radio, but what I have gained is knowing the sound of my baby breathing into my ear as he lays his head on my shoulder.

Because of my children I may have lost the hours to teach dance to others, but what I have gained is the dance parties in the kitchen with my kids.

Because of my children I may have lost the ability to recall what day of the week it is, but what I have gained is the knowledge of every My Little Pony name and cutie mark, and that matters more to them.

Because of my children I may have lost the ability to go out to see the newest movie in the theatre, but what I have gained is the homemade plays put on by my kids and their face lighting up with joy when I clap and shout, "Bravo!" at the end of their performance.

Because of my children I may have lost the time to be concerned with my looks, but what I have gained is remembering the whereabouts of every freckle they have on their body and how their hair swirls on the back of their head.

Because of my children I may have lost sleep, but what I have gained is sweet glimpses of sleeping babies and knowing where every creaky floorboard is in my house.

You see I'm losing myself, but I'm gaining so much in the process. There's a part of me the grieves the "old me," but I'm slowly learning to let her go and embrace who I am. Right now. After all, I'm the only person who can give my kids a good and happy mother, and I have every intention to do just that.

Because of my children...I am a momma, and that means I can...
...love a person more than anyone else will ever love them,
...know what it's like to have my heart walking around outside of my body,
...truly understand what it means to worry,
...soothe a fussy baby,
...hold a tiny hand,
...change a diaper in the middle of the night while sleep is fighting to hold my eyes shut,
...cuddle a sick child,
...be The Tooth Fairy,
...recite "But Not the Hippopotamus" every night without fail,
...make a skinned knee all better with a kiss,
...play dress up,
...truly know how to multitask,
...sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" in about five different keys,
...locate any lost toy in the house,
...do most tasks with only one hand,
...creatively rename vegetables so that they will be eaten,
...sing, sway, and shush a baby until my arms are sore...and even then a little longer.

Because of my children...I am a momma, and that means a lot.

So fellow lost momma out there...it's not all that bad. This losing yourself, it's scary sometimes and a can make you a bit wistful, but it's not bad. You see as our children are growing and changing we are proud and happy for them. I think that's how we ought to feel for ourselves as well. We are growing and changing right along with them. So let's be proud and happy about it.

<3