My little family of five sat outside this past weekend in the hot Florida sun, and our two girls splashed in the little plastic swimming pool that we bought for them as a fun distraction last summer. I commented to my husband that our oldest daughter needed a new bathing suit for this summer. We both glanced over at our talkative, giggly, squealing daughters and I almost couldn't believe what I saw. They were so big. So grown up. I told my husband that I didn't remember them growing so much, but that they looked much bigger in the tiny, hot pink, swimming pool this year than they did last year. And then my heart sank a little bit. It was almost as if I couldn't really remember what had happened over the past year with them. Has it really even been almost an entire year since we've been in our Hive here in Winter Garden? I had almost forgotten. Forgotten because I have been so busy with new baby Jackson and all the other changes we've had. So wait...have I just forgotten about my older kids for an entire year???
When I think back about the past year, the one thing that is
consistent is change. Sounds contradictory, huh? Well we sold our home
in Georgia, moved in with my parents, Jason took a new job in Florida
and moved while we stayed behind for four months, I gave up my job, we
left our church, we moved to Florida, we had a new baby, we found a new
church, we found a new dance studio for the girls, we're still finding our way around a
new city...
Most people give a really big, blank stare when I explain everything
that we've gone through over the past year, and I can't really blame
them. If I were to hear of someone else going through all of that in a
year I'd be concerned for their health and well being. I would say, "I
don't know how you did it!" But the reality of being the family that did
it is...well we did what we had to do. We made it work. And our older
girls didn't even blink an eye at it all. Yes, there were sad times and
tears when we were saying goodbyes to friends and family, but there was
no protesting. There was no complaints. They were strong through it all
and handled it beautifully. I'm impressed by them. They are great daughters and now they are both great big sisters.
When a new baby arrives so much of your attention is directed towards them. It seems like everything revolves around this tiny, new, little life. When does baby need to eat? Does baby need to be changed? Is baby too hot, cold, uncomfortable? Have you burped baby? Is it baby's nap time? Why is baby crying? Why won't baby sleep?
Those new baby concerns turn into other questions all too soon...Is my baby meeting the milestones of all the 'normal' babies out there? When will baby sit up? When will baby crawl? When will baby walk? How much does baby weigh? What percentile is baby in? Why is baby crying? Why won't baby sleep?
So much of this past year, for me, has been focused on getting baby on a schedule of eat, play, sleep, repeat. Some days, ok, most days, I feel as if all I've done all day is manage to keep the kids alive. Jackson is so distracted while he nurses that I have to keep us cooped up in his room while he eats, and that unfortunately means that my older two girls are left to themselves during that time. We've fallen into a nice routine for the most part. I wake to begin nursing Jackson before the girls are up, but I'm not finished before they get up for the day. They have an alarm that wakes them up and they go to the playroom to have breakfast and watch a little TV. After I'm finished with nursing we all head downstairs so that I can eat and we do school. Jackson goes down for a nap in the mornings still so then starts the "shushing" of the girls for pretty much the rest of the day. Lunch time rolls around and I prepare the girls' meals, set their plates on the coffee table, and put on another TV show for them to watch while I go nurse Jackson again. After I'm finished I come downstairs so that I can eat and then we usually play until nap time. All three kids are down for a small window of time, usually, in the afternoons which allows me to get something productive done around the house. Then guess what? Time for Jackson to nurse again and the girls are done with their nap/rest time at the same time too. There I go again into his room to nurse while they play in the playroom. I've got a 'no TV after nap time' rule around our Hive, so at least they aren't vegging out in front of the TV yet again. Then when I'm finished it's time to go downstairs to start working on supper. Jason comes home from work, suppertime, bath, bottle, bed routine, and then the day is over. Whew.
So much of my time is spent nursing, feeding, changing, chasing, watching the baby, that I feel like my older kids just get the leftovers of me. And here lately, the leftovers of me feel an awful lot like, "shush, brother is trying to sleep," "hey, stop running brother is trying to crawl there," "girls please stop arguing." Doesn't exactly sound like a good and fun mom, huh? The reason they are getting the leftovers of me is due to me being pulled in about one million different directions. I'm tired, hungry, over touched, and sometimes plan old grumpy. It's almost as if I've forgotten to have fun with them at times.
Before baby came we took trips to the library, we walked to the playground, we went downtown to eat ice cream, we played in the sprinklers. Now we stay home (and quiet) at nap times, we usually only get to go to the playground on weekends, we change and throw out diapers, we wash and make bottles.
I can't help but feel guilty about it all.
I know it's just a season of life that I'm in...this having a new baby season. And honestly, it's quickly coming to an end already. Jackson is going to be one in just a few months! I'm trying my best to enjoy it and savor all these times with my baby...especially since I've got the feeling that he's my last, but while I'm trying to enjoy it I also feel like I'm short changing my older kids.
I've had several talks with my older girls about how I know it's difficult that we can't do all the things we did before we had baby brother, and they seem to understand. I explain to them that things will eventually begin to feel the way that it used to. We will get to have those morning outings, we will get to walk to the playground any time we'd like, we will go back to the library, we will go downtown and have ice cream...but for now, for just a little while longer, those things will have to wait. The thing is, though, that they don't want to wait any longer. They are ready for 'normal' again. The problem with that is...we don't know what 'normal' is for us anymore. We're going to have to find a 'new normal' for us now that we are here in Florida as a family of five. Everything has changed in a short amount of time for us.
The past year has been so little about our older girls. With all of the other things that were going on they just kind of blended in to it all, and that's wonderful, I guess. I'm thankful that they just went with it. I am curious, though, as to what they would remember about the past year. What things would stand out to them? Would they only remember me paying attention to us moving and getting settled into a new home? Would they only remember me spending way more time with the baby than with them?
It's hard to be a good mom and I'm trying my very best, but will they remember that? Will they remember that I let them stay up late to make cookies or will they remember that I was impatient at bedtime that night? Will they remember that I taught them how to scramble eggs all by themselves or will they remember that I raised my voice when I got angry? Will they remember that I let them pile all the pillows in the floor and build a giant tent or will they remember that I complained about needing to clean up?
It's hard to be a good mom and I'm trying my very best, but maybe I can try harder. I want to try and be better about remembering them. Remembering to play, remembering to read, remembering to forget the cleaning, remembering to cuddle. I want them to remember that I'm trying...always.