Miscarriage

Chances are that this will be one of the more difficult posts that I write. But I have to get it out. I will apologize in advance for however scattered this may be. Recently I have been feeling completely defeated. I feel as if all the answers I am getting are "no's."

"No, you can't sell your house" It's only been on the market for nearly 8 months. We've only had 2 contracts fall through on it.

"No, you can't buy a different house" We've only put in an offer on another house, had it accepted, only to have to retract it because guess what??? Our house won't sell.

Those pale in comparison to my most recent "no"..."No, you can't have another baby" I am angry. I am sad. I am beaten down. I am crushed. I am leveled. I keep asking myself, "Why is all of this happening? Am I being punished for something? Do I deserve these trials? Why doesn't God want good for me?"

On Monday, July 7th I found out that I was pregnant. Well that's when I got my first positive pregnancy test. I knew even before then. :) I was over the moon excited. Jason and I had planned for this. I prayed and thanked God for this new little life. I prayed for His protection and continued care in this pregnancy. I came up with a cute way to tell Jason that I was expecting. I didn't tell many people because I wanted to keep it a surprise. I had no thought of anything taking a turn for the worse. I had already easily conceived, carried, and delivered two healthy baby girls...so why not expect the same this time around?

On Saturday, July 12th I started bleeding. I knew immediately that something was wrong. I listened to some people tell me that it could be nothing, that it probably was nothing and that everything was ok. That some bleeding early in pregnancy is ok. That sometimes women have bleeding throughout their pregnancies. But not me. I listened again to some people tell me that every pregnancy is different. But not like this. Call it intuition or whatever you'd like, but I knew...I knew it was over...I knew my baby was dying.

What I didn't know was that I would experience an extreme void and hurt and numbness. I didn't know that I would weep...still weep...for hours days on end. I didn't know that I would feel as if all of my happy had been stolen forever. I didn't know the moaning that I would cry out to God only to feel as though it was pointless.

On Sunday, July 13th I got a negative pregnancy test. I called my doctor, for the second day in a row, and he confirmed that what I was telling him was a miscarriage. He offered his condolences and told me that it was actually very common that women miscarry. He also told me that it was probably better off happening so early on. I have heard that from others as well, and I understand their well-meaning, but it really offers no help. However early or late, it is still a loss. I still mourn the baby that I will never get to hold and love.

I can't help but feel that my body has completely failed me. Aren't I made to be fertile and bear children? I find myself questioning every choice I've made. Did I eat something, drink something, do something to cause this? I also find myself believing that I deserved to have this miscarriage. I mean it was so easy for me to get pregnant the first two times that I'm just due to have a loss. It would be unfair if I were to easily become pregnant again. And if I'm being honest, I was scared going into the trying to conceive process because I thought it would be difficult to get pregnant again...or something like this would happen. Maybe I'm being selfish in wanting another child? Shouldn't I just be content with the two children I have? Aren't they more than enough? Aren't I blessed more than others in having children at all?  I keep thinking that I'll just wake up and it'll be a crazy pregnancy dream. But it's not. My baby is gone.

On Monday, July 14th I get up and go teach dance camp for 7 hours. I do my best to make it through the day. I do my best to dance and appear normal. A few people there know. A few friends call or text to check in with me throughout the day. I try not to be jealous of the friends that have just given birth, just announced that they are expecting, and of all of the tremendously pregnant women I see while I'm out. I try not to notice. But every time I go to the bathroom there is a reminder of the child I am loosing. It is excruciating.

I repeat this same process Tuesday-Friday. I teach a total of 35 hours of dance camp while I am miscarrying. So for those of you who didn't know what was going on with me that week...now you do.

During the short time that I was pregnant with this baby I choreographed two dances. It's kind of fitting that both of the dances share the same theme...freedom. It is bittersweet to think about, but that is what my baby has now...complete freedom. One of the dances that I choreographed is a beautiful picture to me now of my overwhelming grief and mourning that is turned into praise and dancing. It is the perfect interpretation of freedom. If you're lucky enough to be in those dances I thank you for doing them justice. I often say that my dances are like my babies, but these two will always hold an extra special place in my heart.

I've had my good and bad days. The past couple of days I have been in a funk. I feel like there is no end to this. Really up until this afternoon. I've been trying...searching for a way out of this. And I realize I can't do it. So I turn to scripture.

One story I come across is the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. They are the three men who are thrown into the fiery furnace by Nebuchadnezzar. He tells the three men that they must serve him and bow down to him and his statue or else he will have them burned alive. The three men refuse to bow and tell Nebuchadnezzar that their God will deliver them. "If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us out of the fiery furnace, and He will deliver us out of your hand, o king. But if not, be it known to you, o king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." Daniel 3:16-18

Obviously there is a relation of my trial and me being "thrown into the fiery furnace," but do you want to know what I'm hanging on to in all of that? The part that says "But if not" Basically what I think most of my funk has been about is me not understanding the why of this miscarriage. I prayed to be pregnant so it should happen right? Nope. So there's where the "But if not" comes in. I am not going to allow my devotion to Christ, my love for Christ, my joy in Christ to be determined on what I think or expect to happen as a result of my prayers. I am scared that I won't be able to conceive and carry and deliver again, but I cannot hope in that. He is still worthy. He is still good. And I need Him more than ever right now. He is my only hope. So "but if not..." I will still praise Him...and I will need His help in praising Him.

I take comfort in...

"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:17-19

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him. Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls." 1 Peter 1:6-9

"I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Thank you to those of you who have been walking this with me. Thank you for your calls and texts and most of all your prayers. I know that He has been with me all along in this. It's just been hard to see, and hard to admit at times as well. He shared my joy when I found out I was pregnant. He knew my fear when I started miscarrying. He holds my baby now. He knows my anger, and sadness, and fear still now. But He also knows my heart and He knows that I deeply desire to be His and to want what He wants for me. He knows that I will need Him to help me through this. And He knows the purpose for it all. To draw me closer to Him.

Count On Me: Jessica

How about that friend that makes you feel more yourself than anyone else? That friend that you have no walls or filter to worry about? The friend that's seemingly the opposite of you entirely, but really the identical version of you in another person? That's my Jessica.

Jessica and I ended up accidental best friends. We were randomly put together as roommates our freshman year at Shorter. However, over time we both have realized that it wasn't random at all. It was completely God ordained that we were placed in each other's life. We spent four of the most crucial growing years of our lives together. We taught each other how to be independent, responsible, loving, and compassionate.

You know when you go away to college it's really your first go at life on your own...without your parents there to completely bail you out, guide your decisions, love you unconditionally, give tough love when needed. I'm so thankful that God gave me Jessica to learn how to be a grown up with because she was an incredible example to me. She still is. All throughout college Jessica's nickname was "Momma Jess." She is the type of person that will bail you out, guide your decisions, love you unconditionally, and give you tough love...as your friend. Let me tell you that friends like that are rare and not easily found. She never makes you feel as if you are nothing less than her equal. She knows how to encourage and she knows how to remind you that the world actually doesn't revolve around you either. She's so wonderfully well balanced. She keeps everything real.

I remember the first phone conversation that I had with Jessica, the summer before we moved in together, it was just basic get-to-know-you type talk, but I hung up the phone feeling as if I'd just talked to a close friend. She had already made me laugh...we had talked about potentially sharing clothes and she giggled and said something along the lines of her being a "bigger girl, but maybe we could share shoes" It made us both laugh. I remember when we moved in to our dorm room and how our mother's are essentially the same person and hit it off right away. We of course had everything completely set up and decorated in coordinating styles by the end of the afternoon. When we were unpacking we both pulled out teddy bears from london that were nearly the same along with the exact same brand of toilet paper. It matters.

I remember we both had to learn how to handle each other's differing personalities. I wanted to attend every social event possible, where Jessica was completely content just staying in the room. She gave in and let me drag her out to meet people. Thanks Jess. :) I remember during "Welcome Week" we were out so much and it was so hot because we had just run up the hill and had to stand in front of the air conditioner to cool off. We were completely spent. I remember watching Trading Spaces and napping on the futon every afternoon at 4pm. Man I wish I could still do that. I learned that I show my love towards others by touch. Something I never knew before her. She wasn't a touchy feely person, but eventually gave in to that too. I learned that when she felt stressed or sick she liked her face and hair rubbed. I learned that as soon as I woke up I started talking and Jessica doesn't like to be talked to first thing in the morning. She likes to wake up quietly. Although our MJ "Don't Stop Til Ya Get Enough" was perfect for getting ready to. I remember going grocery shopping at like 2am to avoid crazies at Wal-Mart. Walking up the stairs that we so lovingly referred to as "The Beast," carrying grocery bags and hearing super loud music playing. "Is that "Moon River" that's playing?" and then walking into our room to find her screen saver blasting at full volume. I remember that each summer we would decide on what our decor theme would be for the next year's room. I remember her comforting me when my grandmother passed away. I remember watching the news footage on 9/11 with her from our dorm room. I remember finding secret passages around campus. One time the fire alarm went off and if it weren't for Jessica I wouldn't have gone out to Cooper Courtyard. I was fast asleep and woke up with my head on her shoulder standing in the middle of the courtyard and asked her "where are we?" She had gotten me out of bed, into my slippers, down the steps, and out the door. I remember serving as class officers together. Countless "Proclamation," and Ep Sig, and BSU, and SGA meetings. I remember helping in community service events she helped lead, becoming student teachers and decided that "you can't go to 4th grade with purple hair," celebrating our 21st birthday's together...yes I remember both of them. I remember that she constantly reminded me that "there is only One validation." Random passing out episodes that she had. Abby the Acura. Sleeping on the streets of Atlanta for American Idol auditions, concerts, and parties. Kidnapping our guy friends, blindfolding them, driving aimlessly around parking lots, and then taking them to Bruster's. She introduced me to banana cream pie milkshakes, s'mores, applying eyeliner correctly, going antiquing, decorating "on a beer budget with champagne taste." She was there for me when I had my first heartbreak. And I was there for hers. No body can hold a candle to her "shake it like a salt shaker" or her trademark move..."the Jessonce'." She helped me decide if my outfits were ok or if I looked like a lesbian or mexican. We have entirely too many inside jokes to count..."you guys want some cookies?" "turtle turtle" "find your happy place in the upper right hand corner" "the floating swan" We kept a fish named Mr. Tickles and buried him at Shorter when he passed away. Bah Bah Bah Mr. Tickles...wherever you are. She introduced me to my husband, Jason. She is a vital person in my life. I have 10,000 memories all filled with you Jessica.

We stayed together all four years. They flew by. They feel like eons ago. There are days that I want them back so desperately. Even after college we have remained close. Distance and life and busy schedules try to keep us apart, but we somehow manage to still love each other just the same. It has been nothing short of pure joy being her friend. We have had some trying times, specifically around frustration, and questioning, and not understanding with her struggle to become a mother. You can read about it at her blog A Doxology In Darkness. But I'm thrilled to now have her share in the ups and downs of motherhood! Her new baby girl, Thea, is absolutely perfect. I am so thankful that I got to share in her first few moments. I can remember driving down to the hospital just a couple of weeks ago on the night she was born thinking to myself that God is so good to have given me a sister to share this joyous time in. Jessica has been the most amazing picture of God's faithfulness. She is a living and breathing testimony that all things work together for the glory of Christ. Our friendship included. I just hope and pray that I can be as much of a blessing to her that she is to me. She is far more than a friend. She is my sister. My chosen sister. I know I can Count On You Jessica. And you know that without a doubt you can Count On Me.

Spring Cleaning

I've updated the blog a bit...I'm sure you've noticed. :) It's that time of year again that everyone starts their spring cleaning so I thought I'd spruce things up around here too.

There's a lot of cleaning I'd like to do this year. Aside from the typical cleaning of the floors, and closets, and such. I'd like to do some cleaning of my heart and mind. Too often they get cluttered up with completely unnecessary things. I've not been sleeping well at night recently and I think it has something to do with the fact that I'm not focused or centered on the things that I ought to be.

Last week at church our pastor shared about how to center your prayer life on God instead of centering your prayer life on yourself. How often have I prayed for things that I need or that I want? When the entire time I should have been praying for more knowledge and understanding of what God needs and wants for me. We need to remember our eternal glory and not let our circumstances or situations draw our eyes away from God. God has guaranteed your eternal glory so why should anything be in competition with Him? I have to admit that it was a tough sermon to hear. You mean it's not all about me???

Ephesians 1:17 says "that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him"

Knowing is growing. In order to grow more we have to know Him more. In order to know Him more we have to spend time with Him...in prayer. God centered prayer maintains God centered living. God chose us that we may be holy and blameless and even though He has already poured every spiritual blessing into us there still must be growing! And it's not just important that you pray, but how you pray. We ought not pray for more blessings (we have already been blessed...remember?), but we ought to pray to acquire a deeper intimacy with who God is and what He has done. Praise should be a major part of your prayers because God has already given you all of His spiritual blessings. Why would we need to ask for more?

So I don't need to pray for more power, more grace, more patience...because I have already been given them...in fullness. I need to pray to grow in the knowledge of His power, His grace, His patience. I don't need to pray for more blessings. I need to pray to know God's blessings. I don't need to focus on the gifts, but focus on the Giftor.

So where to start? How about praying scripture back to God. I can't say it better than Him anyway. So I'm praising Him that...

"therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." - 2 corinthians 5:17

"the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him." - lamentations 3:22-24

Seems like a pretty good start for cleaning my heart and mind out. What are you praising Him for?