10.23.2015

Making things new...

"behold, I am making all things new" -revelation 21:5

It seems as though this post is so overdue that I don't really even know where to begin, but I do know that there have been many, many new things happen.

The last post that I wrote about my miscarriage was a difficult one, and well over a year ago. At the time I didn't know when I would write again because to be honest, it was painful to even attempt to re-read my own words. I didn't even want to log into my account in fear of being reminded of it...as if I could forget. As time went by, life happened. A lot of life. There simply wasn't time to sit and write. When I look back on it now, I know that it was exactly as it should have been. God has ordained and organized and allowed every single instance in my life this past year. Just as He always has and always will. He does mighty work, we only need to get out of His way.

Ok. So here goes my attempt to catch everyone up...When Jason and I wanted to try for a baby last year we were attempting the methods suggested in the book, "How to Choose the Sex of Your Baby" by Landrum B. Shettles. I know that there are as many opinions on this method as the day is long, so there's really no need for me to go into an argument with anyone. I had heard from several close friends that had tried this and been successful and I thought "Why not? We have two beautiful girls...we would love to have a boy this time." My experience with it was frustrating to say the least. Too much tracking and calculating and such...kinda made the whole process not as fun as it ought to be. It took us 2 months to get a positive pregnancy test. Not long at all, and just as I had planned. I'm the world's biggest planner. Our first daughter, Ava was born in January. Our second daughter, Lyla was born in February. So can you guess which month I was aiming for? Yep. March. And it happened. We had a due date of March 16, 2014. The day before my mom's birthday. We were thrilled. And then we lost our baby. And our entire world changed.

I was rocked to the core. Anger, sadness, loneliness, grief, you name it...I experienced it. Guilt was the one thing that stuck with me. Obviously the guilt of me thinking "maybe I did something wrong and caused the miscarriage," but more overwhelming was me feeling guilty of robbing God of His plan and His control. Here I was trying to plan something as miraculous as a child. Um. That's not my job! I am positive that this is the lesson that God was (and still is) teaching me. That I'm not in control, He is, and His way is infinitely better.

Jason and I still desired to have another child, and so we decided we would still try, but leave the entire process up to God. Just as it should be. August came and with it the sell of our townhome (finally!) We moved in with my parents at the end of that month and were planning to take our time in finding our next home. August brought no positive pregnancy tests...it was too soon yet.

September arrived and we were in the full swing of homeschooling, dance classes, Timothy Ministry, teaching, and work. Busy. Busy. Busy. We had our annual trip to our friend's beach house in Fernandina Beach. I was hopeful for a positive pregnancy test, but much to my dismay they were all negative. While we were on vacation Jason received a phone call from a recruiter. He often receives these type of calls and it drives me crazy and makes me anxious. Switching jobs is definitely not my most favorite thing ever. After talking with the recruiter about this new opportunity with a company in Orlando, Jason tells me that he really feels like he needs to pursue it. I'm thinking, "What in the world?! We are on vacation and you want to call someone about something work related???" He says, "Well it's easier for me to talk to them now, while we're on vacation, than for me to try and find the time to sneak a phone call in when I'm back at work." I consider what he said, and I have to admit he's right and I tell him, "Alright. Who am I to get in the way of something you want to look into further? Let me know how it goes." The week we are at the beach he calls the recruiter back and he actually talks to someone from the company that is looking to hire someone. (See how God lined that timing up???)

When we get home from the beach it is October. I'm beginning to get discouraged about not being pregnant. Jason has another phone conversation with this company looking to hire and they want to do a face to face interview. This just seemed like an impossible task. How was Jason supposed to do a face to face interview with a company in Orlando, FL when we live in Woodstock, GA without his current employer knowing? Well...there just so happens to be a few employees from the Orlando location at a conference in Atlanta soon. "They'll meet you one day after work for an interview. Does that work?" (Whaddya know...God's work again) Jason goes and meets with the employees after work and comes home feeling really positive about the meeting and the opportunity. Soon after the meeting Jason receives another call from this company asking if there was anyway that he could come to the Orlando office to meet some of the higher ups. "Wellllllll actually...we already have a trip to Disney World scheduled for the weekend of halloween. Is there anyway we could meet then?" The company says, "Sure. Just let us know what resort you're staying at and we'll do the interview there." And that's what happened. We drove to our resort the day we planned, checked into the hotel, the girls, my mom, and I changed into our bathing suits and went swimming...while Jason changed into a nicer outfit than shorts and a Mickey shirt, and went to have an interview...poolside. (Who else could have planned that??? God.)

November. We are pregnant! Wahoo! Hooray! Yippe! All the excitement! Wait...what month am I due in? July? (One of the only months I have actually said I would never give birth in...hehe...nice one God)

December comes and we announce our pregnancy. Everyone is thrilled. I can't help but feel anxious and nervous. For some reason I have this fear that something is going to be wrong or go wrong. I am hesitant to become attached and love this new life inside me. We get a not so great report at one of my appointments. The baby's intestines are not inside of its abdomen. The doctors tell me that they will check again after the new year. I am a mess of emotions. The week before christmas we get a phone call saying that Jason has been offered the job at the company in Orlando. We are thrilled! We quickly scramble to figure out how everything will work out. I tell Jason that I don't feel like I can just leave my job at Dance for His Glory. It would be too cruel to leave them in the middle of the dance year with no teacher, and I carry too much of the work load to just leave. I also don't want to take the girls out of dance, especially since it's Lyla's first year. I want her to have her dance recital at the end of the year. So we make plans for me and the girls to stay living at my parents house until after the dance year is over in May. (God planned for us to be at my parents house for this reason) Jason would relocate to Orlando and we would find an apartment for him, and eventually us in May, while we learn the area and find a house we like. We have to figure out how to look for an apartment while Jason is on vacation from work over the christmas break. I suggest that we look at some houses while we are down there together because I don't know when I'll be going back before May. Jason agrees that it is a good idea. We decide that we can handle finding an apartment by ourselves, but would prefer a realtor for the home search. I start researching realtors in the Orlando area and find a lady online that seems promising. I give her a call and have an immediate connection with her. Which if you know me...that never happens...I never immediately feel connected to other women. I explain our situation and she starts to compile a list of homes for us to look at. We leave our girls with my parents and drive down to Orlando the day after christmas. We find an apartment that will work for Jason (and us in May) before lunchtime. We drive to meet up with our realtor and look at 13 houses by suppertime. We found our house. We went into one house and I just knew it. It was exactly what we had been looking for. The right number of bedrooms, a spot for a playroom, a guest room, a nice lot, in a wonderful area, a great price. Jason isn't really paying attention as we are walking through it because he is busy sending an email. We leave and look at another home, but I ask the realtor to take us back to THE house. So back we go...and this time I make sure that Jason is paying attention. This time he sees it too. We go back to our hotel and decide that we want to go to Downtown Disney for supper. We had a great time and good food and I can't get that house off my mind. When we get back to the hotel we talk about making an offer on it. Jason calls his sister, Melissa, to see if she and her family want to come to look at it the next day. Our realtor is happy to meet us again and show the house to us the next day. Melissa and her family agree that it is a really great house. I'm already moving in in my mind. Back to Georgia we go, and we make an offer on the house in the next couple of days. It is accepted. (God had this one all lined up too)

January arrives and Jason moves to Orlando, but not into the apartment we planned on. Instead he moves into an extended stay hotel because we are set to close on our house in February! We receive news that baby's intestinal issues have completely resolved themselves and all is perfect as far as growth! Praise God! We cannot believe all of the changes that have happened in just a few months! Only God could have planned everything out so perfectly.

February we find out the gender of our baby...a BOY! Once again I am rocked to the core. I am in complete and utter shock and awe at His providence and grace and blessing. I almost feel undeserving of everything all at once. I am not worthy of any of His love. He has given me too much. Even though I chose to get in the way of His plans, He chose to one up me on all of them. In every "department" of my life that I was looking to change He changed it in ways far better than I ever could. I am humbled and grateful.

March, April, and May are filled with all the normal life happenings. In mid-May the girls and I move down to Orlando and my mom comes too to help us get settled in. Thank the good Lord for my mother because without her most things around this house would still be undone. When she eventually has to go back to Georgia at the end of the week, it tears my heart to pieces. I've never been one to like goodbyes, and that doesn't mix well when you live out of state from nearly everyone you love. Even in my sadness though, I have an overwhelming happiness and peace about being with my husband in our new home (!!!)

June sneaks up on us and we decide to take a quick trip to Disney as a "celebration" as a family of four for one last time. Looking back on this trip I cannot believe that I actually went to Disney at 8.5 months pregnant. In the middle of the summer. In peak crowds. I dare you to find someone who loves Disney that much.

July is here and I'm growing more and more anxious about delivery day. I'm having slight panic attacks about the idea of bringing this baby into the world. I keep asking myself "are you really going to be able to do this?" I have nightmares that something will go wrong with delivery and that I will die and that Jason will marry another woman and this lady will be the one raising my kids. I have to remind myself to breathe and relax and remember that God is in control. My friends and family are great encouragers and remind me that I've already done it twice before. And my closest friends tell me that they won't allow Jason to marry another woman if I die. I feel calm after hearing that. In the early hours one morning I start having contractions and we ask Melissa to come to our house in case we need to go to the hospital. It's a good thing that she did! Jackson was born the next day! He arrived perfectly and I was able to deliver naturally again. Praise the Lord! Jason and I are both overwhelmed with the love that we feel for our new son. The one that we have prayed and hoped for. God is good. My mom and niece, Savannah, come to stay with us for two weeks after Jackson arrives. It was so nice to have them here with me while we all adjusted to being a family of five. When the time comes for them to leave we are all very sad. We all cried. After the tears stop though, there is still happiness and peace.

August and September seem to fly by with the new routines of nursing, sleeping(???), homeschooling, dance classes. At the end of September we go back to the beach house on Fernandina Beach, with one more little person this time, and I am reminded of how it all got started again. It was a definite full circle moment. That place will always hold such a special place in my heart. We have so many memories wrapped up in that beach house of laughter and family and games and relaxing and conversations and now of change. I hope and pray that we will always be welcomed at that house. And when/if the time comes for us to not stay there any longer, then I hope and pray we can still vacation at Fernandina. Part of my heart will always be there I think.

October is upon us and with it brings reminders of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. This is a needed reminder. We need to be reminded that it happens and that it is ok to talk about. Not that we only think and talk about our losses during the month of October because that is not true. I know for us we talk about our angel baby often and not a day begins that I don't think about them. It is because of the month of awareness that brought me back to this blog. I wanted to share something to encourage others who are dealing with loss. So I re-shared my post. It was the first time that I went back and read my own words again. In re-sharing it has rejuvenated and healed me in a way. This year that we have had, with all of its changes, has brought about one astounding truth. God is constant. Funny how a year of change can teach me about His consistency. But then again, He has a funny way of teaching us sometimes. With all of these changes, ones that He has brought about by the way, He has remained the same. His love is still unconditional. His provision is still sufficient and abundant. His mercy and grace are infinitely more than I deserve. His forgiveness is new every day. His Word is unchanging and steady and complete nourishment to my soul. He is still my anchor and my forerunner. He has still overcome the world. He is still my Daddy that I can draw near to when I feel lonely. It is because of Him that we have made it through all of these changes. He has made us new...in so many ways. And you know what the best part is? The verse says, "behold, I am making all things new." Did you catch that? Making. Not made. He is making. In the present...like now...continuing. And that means He's not done yet.

Now...I apologize for the length of this post, but there was a lot on my mind. If you made it all the way through reading this post and listening to my rambling you seriously deserve a prize. Leave me a comment and I'll send you one.

<3

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