I had just changed Jackson into his dapper little outfit so that I could take pictures of him. (Today he is four months old, and I take pictures each month.) I asked Ava to go downstairs and bring up my camera for me. I've probably asked her to do this 100 times before. So down the stairs she goes, singing in her opera voice. I hear her prance into the office where the camera stays on a shelf, and then I hear her scream, "AHHHH! A lizard!" She starts to run back to the steps and then I hear another sound. It's a crash, thud, cracking sound. And then crying. All the crying in the world. She knew what she had done. She had just thrown my camera.
We're not talking an iphone in a protective case. We're talking a DSLR Nikon that has a big ol' lens and costs around $500-$600. She just threw it. She came running up the stairs to confirm it to me, to which I replied, "You did NOT just throw my camera. I know you didn't just do that." But her tears and crying and moans of "I hate myself" and "I'm sorry mommy" only validated that she had done the act. "Go to your room and don't come out," I said to her sternly. Then down the steps I went to see my camera in two pieces. I was hopeful at first that the lens had just popped off and could easily be reattached. Nope. Of course not. Not so lucky. When I tried to turn on my camera it just tells me, "lens not attached." Gee thanks, I've sorted that much out myself actually. I somehow manage to get it to work for a bit so that I can take pictures of Jackson, but there's no getting around it...it's broken.
I get Jackson down for his nap and then it's time for us to start school. But not before I have to face Ava again. I've learned, that for myself, when I start to feel anger well up inside me and it's directed towards my children that I have to send them away from me for a bit. "Go to your room," "Go away from me," or "Go to time out," are pretty common phrases around here when we are disciplining. It's not so much for the kids as it is for me. I try my very best to have patience and maintain a calmness when dealing with kids. Chalk it up to my education background or whatever you will, but I can be infinitely more patient with a child than with an adult. Children just don't know any better sometimes and I understand that. But when it's something like this...something that a child deliberately did even though they know and are capable of doing better...I just snap.
I call Ava out of her room and tell her to go downstairs so that we can start on school. I give her an earful the entire time we are walking to the office. "I cannot believe that you threw my camera. Do you know how expensive that is? We don't have the money for a new camera and you just go and throw it down! You act like it's not even a big deal! I am so angry at you!" Of course Ava is in tears, she's always had a knack for turning on the waterworks, and I know that she probably does feel bad. But you know what? I want her to feel bad. I want her to know that she has messed up and in a big way.
We get to the office, where we do school, and I open up my teacher's book to start to prepare for our lesson as Ava works on the computer. Want to know what we are supposed to start our school day with? Hmmm? Well we always start the week with a Proverb...here's this week's Proverb...
"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." Proverbs 29:11
Yeah, you read that right.
And that's where I completely lose it. I fell to my knees and sobbed. Right there in the office. Right there in front of my children. Who immediately run to me with all the, "What's wrong momma?'s" in the world. I am a huge failure. I am a terrible mother. I am completely disgraceful. How am I supposed to teach this when I am the biggest offender?
I talk with my girls, through tears and runny noses, about how I am not perfect. I read the Proverb to them. I apologize to them and to Ava specifically for losing it when I was angry. And do you know what Ava says to me? It's the same thing I've said to her 100 times before..."It's ok to be angry, Mom, it's just not ok to scream when you are angry." By this point I am a blubbering mess of tears and snot on the floor huddled up with my girls in my lap. And it made me think of how incredible God is. How many times do we make Him angry? How many times do we fail Him? How many times do we "break"promises to Him? And He never loses His control with us. He continually shows love and concern and care towards us, in spite of it all. I am so thankful for His love and His teaching...even when it hurts to learn it.
I'm not saying that I'm never going to lose my temper again because I know that I will, but when that time comes I am going to remember this moment. I am going to think of this Proverb and I am going to try to keep myself under control.
During nap time today I decided that I needed to turn the day around in a positive way. So I went outside and dug up a giant bush that we were wanting to get rid of. It was cathartic. Of course the digging it up part was easier than the time that came to move it to the curb. I hadn't quite thought it through. Seeing as it weighed well over 50 pounds with all the roots and dirt...I couldn't pick it up. Instead I mountain climber-ed it all the way to the curb. Take that bush.
I never did find that stupid lizard.
<3
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