Vegan Spinach, Tomato, and ‘Cheese’ Gnocchi

I’m here to share with y’all the easiest, fastest, yummiest recipe I’ve tried in YEARS. Believe me when I say that mealtimes can be frustrating at our hive. Fortunately my little bees aren’t super picky eaters, but they definitely have their opinions, and the bay-bee has been throwing fits at the supper table for awhile now. (He’s just at that glorious age where he realizes he could be playing instead of eating at that time) There have been plenty of nights when I’ve served sandwiches for supper, ordered pizza, or hit up a drive thru. There is NO SHAME in that, y’all. We’ve got to be gracious with ourselves.

So when I do come across something that is a hit...I always share it here for y’all...ans for my own filing away for later purposes. ;) I made a pretty big batch because I’m all about having leftovers. This recipe will feed our hive of five (2 adults and 3 kids ages 9,6,2.5) three times. Keep that in mind if you follow the recipe below. Of course...who doesn’t love having extra to put in the freezer for later on? Did I mention it was super duper easy, extremely fast, healthy and vegan, and DELIGHTFULLY DELICIOUS?!

Ingredients:
4 16oz packages of store bought Gnocchi (I like using Gia Russa because they have a vegan option. Actually I like making my own gnocchi, but that’s a different post for a different day)
5oz Spinach
4 cans diced tomatoes, drained (or dice 6-8 fresh...that’s best, I just had canned on hand)

For the Sauce:
4 cups Almond milk (or whichever milk you prefer)
2 cups raw cashews (I use unsalted halves)
3/4 cup Nutritional Yeast (This is the ‘cheese’ part)
8 cloves garlic
2 teaspoons salt

Directions:
1. Bring 6 quarts water to boil, then add gnocchi. You’ll know the gnocchi is finished when they float to the top! Takes about 3 minutes.

2. Place your spinach in the bottom of your colander, and drain your gnocchi through it! This will wilt your spinach for you in one, easy, foolproof step. You’re welcome. ;)

3. Place all the ingredients for the sauce in a high powered blender and blend until smooth. (We have a Vitamix. If you don’t have a high powered blender you’ll need to soak your cashews overnight or bring them to a boil for a few minutes first to soften them.)

4. Place gnocchi and spinach back in your pot. Add your diced tomatoes and sauce.

5. Return pot to the stove to warm together for a few minutes and for sauce to thicken just a bit.

6. Dip out in a bowl, grab a spoon, and be prepared to be amazed.

This maybe took me 20 minutes to throw together, and most of that was just waiting on the water to come to a boil for the gnocchi to cook in! I’m so excited about this recipe and hope you love it too! All my bees gave it a 10/10. The hub-bee even had a second helping and asked for it to be a monthly meal.

I’m planning on experimenting with this recipe again to make another yummy pasta dish, and y’all will be the first to hear all about it. Let me know if you try this out!

<3

Lunchtime Alternative: Burritos

Hey y'all! It's been a hot minute since I've made a blog post, and I'm not even going to pretend to be sorry about it...I've been enjoying life with my hive! Maybe I'll do a catch up post later on...because I really am missing blogging and am wanting to get back to it regularly, but for now I want to share on of my go-to recipes for a lunchtime alternative. It's super quick, easy, and yummy!

Burritos!

Ingredients:

16oz Rice...I used some yellow Mexican style
2 cans Black Beans drained and rinsed
2 Onions diced
2 Carrots diced
1 Green Bell Pepper diced
1 can Rotel
1 cup Lentils...I used the red kind
Salt and Taco Seasoning to taste
Olive Oil for sauteing

Directions:

1. Cook your rice according to the package directions.

2. Saute your onions, carrots, and green bell pepper in some olive oil until soft. Add some salt while sauteing.

3. Start your lentils...cook according to the package directions.

 (my lentils turned mushy...read on to see what I did with them)

4. Add your can of Rotel to your sauteed onions, carrots, peppers.

5. Add your taco seasoning. I'd say I added maybe a tablespoon??? I make my own, and I never really measure this...I just eye ball it. ;)

6. Add your black beans to your sauteed onions, carrots, and peppers.

7. Mix everything together!

8. Serve on tortillas and enjoy!

So while cooking my lentils this time they somehow went completely mushy. Not sure what happened. I blame it on the fact that I was chasing my two year old around during all of this too. Either way...one of my motto's is, "You don't mess up, you create more" so my mushy lentils became "refried lentil beans" for us. :) I plated this meal starting with a smear of "refried lentil beans," added a scoop of burrito filling, and wrapped it up.

This is a big hit in our hive, and we have burritos once a week. The good thing about this recipe is that it makes a lot! We eat it fresh when I cook it, and then I go ahead and split it into quart sized freezer bags. I've learned that about three big serving spoonfuls in each bag will feed us once for the week. This gives me five(!) weeks of lunches...at least for one day a week...hey, I'll take it! ;)

Another great thing about this recipe is that you can pretty much adapt it however you want. Have some extra mushrooms? Throw those in! Want to add in some wilted spinach? Go for it! The combinations are endless! I can't wait to hear what you think if you try this recipe! Share your version if you make any adjustments!

<3

Basic Black Bean Burger

If you're in need of a really solid, basic, black bean burger...then I'm your peach.

This burger recipe is easy, quick, fool proof, and can be easily customized to your taste preference. Believe me when I say that it is a staple in our hive.

We have had it paired with simple ketchup, mustard, mayo toppings.
We have had it paired with sauteed peppers and onions.
We have had it "California style" with avocado slices.
We have had it...do you get my point?

Have it however you like it! Just make sure you have it!

Today I'm showing you how to have it with a super fresh pineapple salsa. Nom. Nom. Nom.

This makes a big batch of Burgers for me. I like to be able to eat it fresh twice, and also have some to freeze for a later time. (When there's a lot of buzzing going around our hive and I don't feel like cooking.) You can certainly half the recipe if you'd like. 

Basic Black Bean Burger  

Ingredients: 


I failed to take a picture of my ingredients this time. My apologies, y'all.


For the Burgers...
Olive Oil for cooking

2 Onions (diced finely) 

2 15oz cans Black Beans (drained and rinsed)

2 Carrots (shredded)

1 cup Cornmeal 

1 cup Bread Crumbs

1 tablespoon Chili Powder

2 teaspoons Sea Salt

1/2 Cilantro (chopped)

1/2-1 cup Water (varies depending on how your mixture binds)


For the Pineapple Salsa...
1 1/2 cups Pineapple (diced)

1/4 cup Red Onion (diced finely)

1 tablespoon Cilantro (chopped)

1 tablespoon Agave

Directions:

1. Add Black Beans, Carrots, Cornmeal, Bread Crumbs, Chili Powder, Salt, Cilantro to a large bowl. Set aside.

2. In a large skillet, saute your diced Onions in Olive Oil until soft and slightly caramelized. Transfer cooked Onions to large bowl with other ingredients. Reserve skillet for later.

3. Use a large spoon or your hands to mash it all together. Add water as necessary to help it bind together. (I typically start with a spoon, then use my hands. I used about 3/4 cup water for my burgers this time.) Your mixture should not be so dry that it is crumbling, but not so wet that it is sticky.

4. Use your hands to form into burger patties. (This time I made 16 patties)

5. In the reserved skillet, heat your Olive Oil over medium-high heat. Pan fry patties 3-5 minutes on each side until lightly browned.

6. To make the Pineapple Salsa...combine all ingredients in a bowl...you're done!

7. Place Black Bean Burgers on a bun, top with Pineapple Salsa, and take a big bite!

How did y'all like this recipe? What is your favorite way to top your Black Bean Burger? Let me know!

<3


 

Thai Peanut Butter Noodles

Hey y'all!

Ever get the craving for some really yummy Thai food? I know I do. Since we have relocated we have yet to find a great Thai restaurant in our new hometown. That could potentially be due to the fact that we don't eat out a lot, but I digress.

First off, don't be scared by the name of this meal. I was slightly intimidated by the idea of it myself initially, but I gave it a go anyway. I know that the first time I made it and my kids asked the all important question, "What are we having for supper?" and I answered by telling them that we were having Peanut Butter Noodles...I was met with faces and sounds of disgust. I can assure you that this meal is far from disgusting, and in fact, my kids eat it happily. (As do I and my hubby. Yum.)

Secondly, you CAN cook Thai food. It is really very easy, and this meal especially is quick and painless. ;) Don't doubt yourself here. Expand your palate...you may find that this meal becomes a regular in your household. 

Without further ado, here is my go to recipe when I'm craving Thai food.

Thai Peanut Butter Noodles

Ingredients:

1 pound Rice Noodles

1 cup Coconut Milk

1/2 cup Water

1/4 Maple Syrup

1/4 Soy Sauce

1/2 Peanut Butter (we prefer creamy, but you can use chunky too)

1 teaspoon Chili-Garlic Sauce

3 cloves Garlic (minced)

2 tablespoons Lime Juice

1 tablespoon Sesame Oil

3 Scallions (thinly sliced)

2 Carrots (peeled and shredded)

1/2 cup Peanuts

2 tablespoons Cilantro (chopped for garnish)



Directions:

1. Bring a large pot of salted water to boil. Add Rice Noodles and cook about 5-8 minutes.

2. Drain noodles, rinse with cold water, return to pot.

3. Make sauce by combining Coconut Milk, Water, Maple Syrup, Soy Sauce, Peanut Butter, Chili-Garlic Sauce, and Garlic in medium saucepan. Let cook over medium heat, whisking frequently, until sauce thickens just a bit.

4. Remove sauce from heat and add in Lime Juice and Sesame Oil.

5. Pour sauce into cooked noodles and toss to combine. Add in Scallions and Carrots.

6. Garnish with Peanuts and Cilantro and enjoy!

Talk about easy and quick! I would love to hear if you've tried this recipe and how you liked it. Let me know!

<3

Sauteed Garlic Chickpeas, Onions, and Spinach with Quinoa

During the summertime I love finding new recipes to try out for my Hive. Here's one that I've been wanting to share with y'all. It's super easy, requires few ingredients, doesn't cost an arm and a leg, is healthy, and...oh yeah...yummy too! I should also note that this is a vegan recipe, but I encourage you to give it a try even if you don't typically eat that way...you made find that you love it anyway!

This feeds our family twice in a week when we eat it alongside a salad, but you could easily double the recipe to feed more people or have bigger portions, if needed.

Ingredients: 

5-8oz Spinach (depends on how much you prefer)

1 Onion diced

1 15oz can Chickpeas

1 tablespoon Minced Garlic (about 2 cloves minced)

1 teaspoon Cumin

Salt and Pepper to taste

Olive Oil for sauteing (is that even a word?!)

1 cup Quinoa

2 cups Water

You'll want to make the components of this dish simultaneously, but since I'm not your Momma, I'm not going to tell you what order to do it all in...so here's the directions for how to cook both parts. ;)

Directions for Chickpeas and Spinach:

1. Heat oil in large skillet.

2. Drain and rinse your chickpeas.

3. Add garlic to skillet and cook until fragrant...about 1-2 minutes.

4. Add diced onion and cook until soft.

5. Add spinach, chickpeas, and cumin to the skillet. Your skillet will look very full, but don't worry! The spinach reduces itself as it cooks.

6. Stir, stir, stir until spinach fully wilts and chickpeas are cooked through.

7. Add salt and pepper to taste, and that part is done!

Directions for Quinoa:

1. Combine 1 cup quinoa and 2 cups water in a pot and bring to a boil.

2. Turn to low, cover, and let simmer about 15 min, stirring occasionally to prevent sticking to the bottom of the pot.

3. Uncover for about 5 min and fluff before serving.

I like serving this dish all combined...I just go ahead and mix it all up so it's evenly distributed. Supper is served!

Y'all let me know if you tried the recipe and how you enjoyed it!
<3

Change Around the Hive

So much has happened in the past few months, and I've just been so busy buzzing around that it's hard to get a minute to myself these days.

Little Jackson celebrated his first birthday recently, and as we were driving to pick up his cake Ava said, "Mom I can't believe it's been a whole year already! You were right when you said that the days are long, but the years are short. This year with Jackson has been short!"

She's so right...but don't let her know that. ;)

One of the biggest changes, and partial reason for my absence here on the blog, is that I started a new job! Hooray! Actually not only did I start a new job...I started a new business! And I'm super excited to tell you about it.

Y'all know that I'm slightly on the 'crunchy' side of life...I try my best to eat healthy and mostly vegan, I make my own cleaning supplies, etc. Well one very natural addition to my lifestyle is me starting my Beautycounter business. I cannot tell you enough how passionate I feel about this company and the mission that we have. We are devoted to educating others about the ingredients in their skincare and beauty products. Our mission is to get safe products into the hands of everyone. I could not be more on board with this!

I shared this on facebook before, but it's definitely worth repeating...

Just a few months ago I began working for Beautycounter, and I need y'all to hear me out for just a bit...

Some of you may think that me working for Beautycounter is just cute. Some of you may think that it's annoying. Some of you may think that it's not a 'real' job. Let me set the record straight for you though...this is in fact a very real and important job for me.

I get to help others live healthier lifestyles by educating them about the ingredients in their skincare and beauty products. I get to help protect those that I love most...family members, friends, and even strangers by putting safe products into their hands. I get to work alongside some of the most encouraging and inspiring people I've come across in my life. It may sound silly to you, but this work that I'm doing is life changing and I'm proud of it.

I want to take a moment to thank each and every single on of you who has been, and is supporting me in this business.

You see, when you support me by...giving an encouraging word, providing feedback, making a post about a product, asking a question, making a purchase, hosting a Social, becoming one of my Band of Beauty Members, or joining my team to work alongside me...you are truly supporting me in all aspects.

You are making it possible for me to buy groceries for my family, buy diapers for my baby, pay my monthly utility bills, pay down debt that we owe, buy birthday or Christmas presents for my kids, allow my girls the opportunity to take dance lessons, and so much more!

Even more importantly you are changing your own life by switching to safer products. You are taking a stand for your health. You are showing that you care about not only what is going into your body, but what is going onto your body.

You have already helped me achieve more success in my business than I thought possible. You have already helped me reach goals that I thought may be a little too out of reach. You have already changed my life, and my family's life for the better.

I can't thank you enough.
We all deserve better...and I think the best is yet to come.

If you have been following along with either my 'Beautycounter with Lyn' or 'The Florida Peach' facebook pages you need to know that they are now combining! Our new name around here and on facebook is: 'The Florida Peach: A Beautiful, Healthy Life'

This perfectly combines what I'm trying to achieve, and help you achieve as well...A Beautiful, Healthy Life! I can share about all things Beauty...all things Health...and all things Life!


<3

I'm losing myself

The first warm rays of sun peek through the shade covering my bedroom window, my husband gives me a kiss and heads out the door for work, and I sneak a glace at the clock before I lay my head back on my pillow...17 minutes. I've got 17 minutes before my alarm goes off. I squeeze my eyes shut and attempt to fall back asleep because those few minutes of sleep are precious. My head is already swirling with the to-do list of the upcoming day and 17 minutes feels an awful lot more like 17 seconds. Then I hear it, the first few notes of my one of favorite songs, Clair de Lune. There's something so magical about that song for me, and I'm happy to wake up to it every morning, but it also serves as a reminder that there's no more time for rest right now...it's time to get moving, time to get the day started.

The season of life that I'm in right now is a monotonous one. The waking children, preparing meals, pouring juice, wiping mouths and hands and bottoms, cleaning up dishes, picking up toys, sticking on bandaids, singing the alphabet, preparing meals, pouring juice, reading "Goodnight Moon," picking up toys. It's enough to make you go mad somedays. I'm not complaining and I'm most certainly not ungrateful...I'm just sayin'. It's monotonous.

I can't help but feel as if I've gotten lost in it all. It's the same thing day in and day out, nothing changes really on a daily basis, and yet somehow I've changed so much. There was a time that I got dressed in an actual outfit every single day. Now I'm lucky to shower a few times a week and change into fresh clothes that aren't covered in someone else's bodily fluid. There was a time that I taught dance classes 20+ hours a week. Now the only time I'm out of the walls of my home are when I'm at the grocery store or church, maybe 2-3 hours a week??? There was a time when I was in charge of about 30 students' well being and education for an entire year at a time. Now I feel as though I'm not doing well enough teaching just my two daughters. I'm in this strange place of trying to accept where I'm at in life, and also not feel resentful of where I used to be. What has happened to me?

Motherhood. That's what has happened to me. It's one of those things that you have no idea how to handle, what to expect, or how it will affect you until you are in it. And believe me...I'm up to my ears, in the trenches, sticky with motherhood. When you have a child your whole world is shaken, rocked to the core, and forever changed. As soon as that little, new, wrinkly person is in your arms for the first time...you get it. You know that it's no longer about you at all. What you don't know, though, is how much of yourself you're about to lose. Because of your children you lose yourself. But losing yourself isn't entirely a bad thing...that's what I'm learning these days. Sometimes we have to get lost in order to be found.

Because of my children I may have lost knowing what the newest song is on the radio, but what I have gained is knowing the sound of my baby breathing into my ear as he lays his head on my shoulder.

Because of my children I may have lost the hours to teach dance to others, but what I have gained is the dance parties in the kitchen with my kids.

Because of my children I may have lost the ability to recall what day of the week it is, but what I have gained is the knowledge of every My Little Pony name and cutie mark, and that matters more to them.

Because of my children I may have lost the ability to go out to see the newest movie in the theatre, but what I have gained is the homemade plays put on by my kids and their face lighting up with joy when I clap and shout, "Bravo!" at the end of their performance.

Because of my children I may have lost the time to be concerned with my looks, but what I have gained is remembering the whereabouts of every freckle they have on their body and how their hair swirls on the back of their head.

Because of my children I may have lost sleep, but what I have gained is sweet glimpses of sleeping babies and knowing where every creaky floorboard is in my house.

You see I'm losing myself, but I'm gaining so much in the process. There's a part of me the grieves the "old me," but I'm slowly learning to let her go and embrace who I am. Right now. After all, I'm the only person who can give my kids a good and happy mother, and I have every intention to do just that.

Because of my children...I am a momma, and that means I can...
...love a person more than anyone else will ever love them,
...know what it's like to have my heart walking around outside of my body,
...truly understand what it means to worry,
...soothe a fussy baby,
...hold a tiny hand,
...change a diaper in the middle of the night while sleep is fighting to hold my eyes shut,
...cuddle a sick child,
...be The Tooth Fairy,
...recite "But Not the Hippopotamus" every night without fail,
...make a skinned knee all better with a kiss,
...play dress up,
...truly know how to multitask,
...sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" in about five different keys,
...locate any lost toy in the house,
...do most tasks with only one hand,
...creatively rename vegetables so that they will be eaten,
...sing, sway, and shush a baby until my arms are sore...and even then a little longer.

Because of my children...I am a momma, and that means a lot.

So fellow lost momma out there...it's not all that bad. This losing yourself, it's scary sometimes and a can make you a bit wistful, but it's not bad. You see as our children are growing and changing we are proud and happy for them. I think that's how we ought to feel for ourselves as well. We are growing and changing right along with them. So let's be proud and happy about it.

<3

Have I Forgotten My Older Kids?

My little family of five sat outside this past weekend in the hot Florida sun, and our two girls splashed in the little plastic swimming pool that we bought for them as a fun distraction last summer. I commented to my husband that our oldest daughter needed a new bathing suit for this summer. We both glanced over at our talkative, giggly, squealing daughters and I almost couldn't believe what I saw. They were so big. So grown up. I told my husband that I didn't remember them growing so much, but that they looked much bigger in the tiny, hot pink, swimming pool this year than they did last year. And then my heart sank a little bit. It was almost as if I couldn't really remember what had happened over the past year with them. Has it really even been almost an entire year since we've been in our Hive here in Winter Garden? I had almost forgotten. Forgotten because I have been so busy with new baby Jackson and all the other changes we've had. So wait...have I just forgotten about my older kids for an entire year???

When I think back about the past year, the one thing that is consistent is change. Sounds contradictory, huh? Well we sold our home in Georgia, moved in with my parents, Jason took a new job in Florida and moved while we stayed behind for four months, I gave up my job, we left our church, we moved to Florida, we had a new baby, we found a new church, we found a new dance studio for the girls, we're still finding our way around a new city...

Most people give a really big, blank stare when I explain everything that we've gone through over the past year, and I can't really blame them. If I were to hear of someone else going through all of that in a year I'd be concerned for their health and well being. I would say, "I don't know how you did it!" But the reality of being the family that did it is...well we did what we had to do. We made it work. And our older girls didn't even blink an eye at it all. Yes, there were sad times and tears when we were saying goodbyes to friends and family, but there was no protesting. There was no complaints. They were strong through it all and handled it beautifully. I'm impressed by them. They are great daughters and now they are both great big sisters.

When a new baby arrives so much of your attention is directed towards them. It seems like everything revolves around this tiny, new, little life. When does baby need to eat? Does baby need to be changed? Is baby too hot, cold, uncomfortable? Have you burped baby? Is it baby's nap time? Why is baby crying? Why won't baby sleep?

Those new baby concerns turn into other questions all too soon...Is my baby meeting the milestones of all the 'normal' babies out there? When will baby sit up? When will baby crawl? When will baby walk? How much does baby weigh? What percentile is baby in? Why is baby crying? Why won't baby sleep?

So much of this past year, for me, has been focused on getting baby on a schedule of eat, play, sleep, repeat. Some days, ok, most days, I feel as if all I've done all day is manage to keep the kids alive. Jackson is so distracted while he nurses that I have to keep us cooped up in his room while he eats, and that unfortunately means that my older two girls are left to themselves during that time. We've fallen into a nice routine for the most part. I wake to begin nursing Jackson before the girls are up, but I'm not finished before they get up for the day. They have an alarm that wakes them up and they go to the playroom to have breakfast and watch a little TV. After I'm finished with nursing we all head downstairs so that I can eat and we do school. Jackson goes down for a nap in the mornings still so then starts the "shushing" of the girls for pretty much the rest of the day. Lunch time rolls around and I prepare the girls' meals, set their plates on the coffee table, and put on another TV show for them to watch while I go nurse Jackson again. After I'm finished I come downstairs so that I can eat and then we usually play until nap time. All three kids are down for a small window of time, usually, in the afternoons which allows me to get something productive done around the house. Then guess what? Time for Jackson to nurse again and the girls are done with their nap/rest time at the same time too. There I go again into his room to nurse while they play in the playroom. I've got a 'no TV after nap time' rule around our Hive, so at least they aren't vegging out in front of the TV yet again. Then when I'm finished it's time to go downstairs to start working on supper. Jason comes home from work, suppertime, bath, bottle, bed routine, and then the day is over. Whew.

So much of my time is spent nursing, feeding, changing, chasing, watching the baby, that I feel like my older kids just get the leftovers of me. And here lately, the leftovers of me feel an awful lot like, "shush, brother is trying to sleep," "hey, stop running brother is trying to crawl there," "girls please stop arguing." Doesn't exactly sound like a good and fun mom, huh? The reason they are getting the leftovers of me is due to me being pulled in about one million different directions. I'm tired, hungry, over touched, and sometimes plan old grumpy. It's almost as if I've forgotten to have fun with them at times.

Before baby came we took trips to the library, we walked to the playground, we went downtown to eat ice cream, we played in the sprinklers. Now we stay home (and quiet) at nap times, we usually only get to go to the playground on weekends, we change and throw out diapers, we wash and make bottles. 

I can't help but feel guilty about it all.

I know it's just a season of life that I'm in...this having a new baby season. And honestly, it's quickly coming to an end already. Jackson is going to be one in just a few months! I'm trying my best to enjoy it and savor all these times with my baby...especially since I've got the feeling that he's my last, but while I'm trying to enjoy it I also feel like I'm short changing my older kids.

I've had several talks with my older girls about how I know it's difficult that we can't do all the things we did before we had baby brother, and they seem to understand. I explain to them that things will eventually begin to feel the way that it used to. We will get to have those morning outings, we will get to walk to the playground any time we'd like, we will go back to the library, we will go downtown and have ice cream...but for now, for just a little while longer, those things will have to wait. The thing is, though, that they don't want to wait any longer. They are ready for 'normal' again. The problem with that is...we don't know what 'normal' is for us anymore. We're going to have to find a 'new normal' for us now that we are here in Florida as a family of five. Everything has changed in a short amount of time for us.

The past year has been so little about our older girls. With all of the other things that were going on they just kind of blended in to it all, and that's wonderful, I guess. I'm thankful that they just went with it. I am curious, though, as to what they would remember about the past year. What things would stand out to them? Would they only remember me paying attention to us moving and getting settled into a new home? Would they only remember me spending way more time with the baby than with them?

It's hard to be a good mom and I'm trying my very best, but will they remember that? Will they remember that I let them stay up late to make cookies or will they remember that I was impatient at bedtime that night? Will they remember that I taught them how to scramble eggs all by themselves or will they remember that I raised my voice when I got angry? Will they remember that I let them pile all the pillows in the floor and build a giant tent or will they remember that I complained about needing to clean up?

It's hard to be a good mom and I'm trying my very best, but maybe I can try harder. I want to try and be better about remembering them. Remembering to play, remembering to read, remembering to forget the cleaning, remembering to cuddle. I want them to remember that I'm trying...always.

The First Birthday That Didn't Happen

I've dreaded this day. This day that could have been filled with the happy sounds and sights and smells of your first birthday. The giggles coming from your siblings, the decorations that would have been placed just so, the smell of cupcakes fresh out of the oven, the crinkling of wrapping paper and tissue paper being thrown about, the smiles on the faces of family and friends all gathered together to celebrate. But none of those things are happening.

Instead I've finally just sat myself down on the couch to write after having wrestled your older sisters to their own spaces for some rest time. The only sounds I hear are the dishwasher and the air conditioner running. The only things I see are all the chores that need doing...floors unswept, laundry piling, toys mounding up. The only thing i feel is the hot sting of tears running down my cheeks and my nose is too stuffy to be able to smell anything at all.

It's not that I'm ungrateful. I really am so very, very grateful for today. I'm grateful for the two sisters and the new baby brother that our hive has. I'm grateful for the dishwasher and the air conditioner. I'm even grateful for the unswept floors, laundry piles, and toys. Well most of the toys anyway...those toys with batteries could be sent to the moon for all I care. So I'm not ungrateful. I just miss you. And I never even met you. 

I miss not ever hearing your precious two syllable newborn cry. I miss not ever smelling your sweet newborn head. I miss not ever touching your baby soft skin. I miss not ever holding you outside of my own body. It's a strange feeling to miss something that you never even had. 

Some people think that I never had you anyway. To them you weren't really a baby. Well you know what? Those people don't matter. You were real. You were...you are...my baby. There's no one that will convince me otherwise. 

You were due on March 16, 2015, the day before your Nana's birthday. There's no real way for me to know if you were a boy or a girl, but when I think of you, which is really quite often, I always think of you as my little girl. My Lucy. 

You have taught me many, many things. To cherish each moment, to replace complaining with joy, to love more, to read "just one more book," to be more compassionate to others who have walked this path. Most importantly you have taught me that I'm not the one in control...that God is in control of every single thing. Ok, I always knew this, but you made me flesh it out. You made me relinquish complete control to Him. Thank you for that. Life is so much better this way...His way. Not that life is better without you, but life is better because of you. 

As sorrowful as it is for me here without you on this side of heaven, I am so, so, so overjoyed knowing that you are with Jesus. It makes my heart feel joyous that one day I will get to see you and meet you. Several years ago, when I was speaking with your great grandmother Eudell, I asked her why she thought that God allowed babies to die. You know what she told me? She said, "well heaven sure would be boring if it were all old people." I had no idea how much our conversation that day would mean to me. Especially now that I have lost you. I like to think that as soon as you got to heaven that God introduced you to your great grandmother Eudell. And Lord only knows what she's taught you already. 

So today is your first birthday, my sweet Lucy. Thank you for changing my life in more ways than I could begin to list here. Thank you for sending your little brother here for us to love and cherish. I am positive that he is an angel that you hand selected for our family. Your older sisters know all about you, and I will be sure to tell your little brother all about you too. Happy birthday, darling baby. I will light a candle for you tonight. I love you so much. 

Presence, Not Presents

I love giving.

I love finding a random little trinket that is specific to just one person, buying it, and then giving it to them for no reason at all, on a boring weekday, out of the blue, just because it made me think of them.

I love finding things throughout the year, that my kids are really wanting, at a good price and setting it aside for Christmas.

I'd love to give more...to more people...and more often, but unfortunately I did not win the billion dollar lottery.

I'm fairly certain that I've inherited this love of giving from my mother, although I'm positive I'm nowhere near the lady she is. If you've ever met her, then you already love her and know that she is the most selfless and giving person on the planet. You can read more on her here. :)

The older that I get the more that I realize that the "what" you give actually matters more than we'd like to admit. Yes, I believe in the idea of, "it's the thought that matters," but I also believe the "what" matters too. Not in the way of the gift needing to be the best, most expensive, biggest, sparkliest, you-fill-in-the-blank-here, but in the way of the "thought" being combined with the "what."

Is what you are giving something that the recipient would really enjoy? We ought not give a gift just to please ourselves. That defeats the purpose doesn't it? When you saw what you are giving did you immediately think of who it should be given to? If it isn't something that evokes a memory of or feeling for the person then maybe it's not for them. Maybe it's more for you. I think we should all be more careful in our gift giving. Let's take ourselves out of the equation.

When it comes to giving gifts to my children I like to think of the things that will actually be useful, and not just frivolous things. I know for me, I'm always looking for a way to purge all the things we already have around the Hive. We constantly have a "Goodwill" pile mounding up in the garage. Perhaps it's my slight O.C.D. and need to have things clean or maybe I just really enjoy the idea of giving our things we're not using anymore to others, but I'm constantly amazed at just how much stuff we already have. So...

This year, for our kids' birthdays, my husband and I have decided that we will not be giving presents, but presence.

Our kids don't need another little toy, stuffed animal, piece of clothing, electronic, etc. What they do need is us. There will be plenty of time for all of those other things to distract them from us one day, and that day is coming much quicker than I like to allow myself to even think about, but for now our kids crave our attention. They are constantly begging us to "look at me, daddy!" or "watch this, momma!" And this year, and every year from now on as far as I'm concerned, I'm going to give them exactly what they want. Me. I'm giving them my presence. 

That won't mean that they won't have anything tangible, but what that does mean is that the tangible thing isn't going to be the main focus. Our main focus will be giving of our time, our attention, our love to them. Those "things" spent together far outweigh any money spent anyway. We will make memories with our kids. We will spend one-on-one time with just them. We will laugh and talk and soak up every moment we can with them. One day they will be somewhere else on their birthday, and every other day for that matter, but while they are here with us we will cherish them, hold tight to them, delight in them.

I am so looking forward to their birthdays this year and they are too. Together, the girls have already gone on a date with their daddy to the movie theatre, and will get to go on a date alone with him soon. I get to take the girls out individually for a special mom and daughter date too. It's a new tradition that we are starting for our family, and it's one that I'm hoping will stick around for a long, long time. 

I encourage you to truly think about what it is that you are giving. Maybe it's time you remember that the best thing that you can give is your time, your attention, your love...yourself. 

<3

You can't pour from an empty cup.

I've had this post on my mind and heart for awhile now. I think we've all read the saying...

The most recent time that I came across this saying, it inspired my becoming a little more "unplugged" throughout the Advent and Christmas season. The idea of making sure that we take care of ourselves so that we can then in turn take care of others is wonderful and needed. It's a notion that I fully support. I think, though, that oftentimes we have better intentions of "filling our cup" than what actually ends up filling us. What I'm trying to say is...that I think we get this one wrong most times. I think we fill our cup with all the wrong things. We aim to fill our cup with all of the right things like, alone time for ourselves, or hobbies, or making memories with our family, or you-fill-in-the-blank-here. And those are all well and good things, don't get me wrong, but I'm just not sure that they are the right things that should be filling our cup.

Throughout the Advent and Christmas season I try my very best to teach my kids "JOY," which around our Hive is an acronym for: Jesus, Others, You. The idea is to remember...in all things...Jesus first, then others, and lastly yourself. So if I apply the "JOY" acronym to the idea of "filling my cup" it almost feels backwards or like a catch-22 or something.  I can't pour from an empty cup, meaning I need to put myself first and "fill my cup," but I should be putting Jesus first, others second, and myself last. Feeling confused yet??? It's actually quite simple. In order to "fill my cup" I must put Jesus first. Jesus will fill our cup. We will be full of Him. We can serve others. So both ideas are met.

This past Sunday our sermon at Grace Winter Garden went hand in hand with what's been buzzing around in my head. We are starting a series that will go through the book of Colossians, and the sermon this week reminded us that order matters when it comes to our well being. The issue that pastor Brian was getting at the heart of was that we must first put our lives, priorities, minds, hearts, in order of the things that truly matter so that we can accomplish all that God has for us.

We must put first things first. We must remember that we are saints. (Col 1:2) We are to take care of our spiritual well being first and foremost. How often do we forget that we are not made for this world? I know that I'm not very good at remembering to act as a saint in all that I do. I fail on a daily hourly minute-ly basis in remembering to set Christ at the forefront of my mind. One small way that I'm trying to put first things first is by starting my day by reading from my Bible. It is the very first thing that I do, and has become a habit now, one that I look forward to. (when I finally convince myself to get out of the bed) It's a nice way to start my mind and heart out with a clear focus on Christ and what really matters.

We must focus our energy on what really matters. We ought to be Kingdom minded in all that we do. We should set our minds on things above and not of this world. (Col 3:2) If we focus on Christ and who He is then we will have a clear picture of the things that truly matter. I tend to fall back on the fruits of the Spirit pretty frequently throughout my day. I even sing a song about them when I'm reeeeally needing to realign my heart and attitude. This helps me to have and show love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control in the moments that I need to most. I am not at all perfect at this...just ask my husband and my kids.

We must do these things now. We are creatures of habit, and chances are that if these things aren't something that we do on a regular basis now, then it is easier for us to say we'll start another time, or day, or week, etc. I know I can be the world's best Scarlett, and just think about it tomorrow, but there's no room for that when it comes to this matter. Jesus is asking us to follow Him, but not sometime in the future. He means now. Like, right now. And in following Him, He makes us whole...He fills our cup when we follow Him.

Pastor Brian made so many wonderful points, and I can't begin to attempt to cover them all, (and most likely did a poor job in covering the ones above), but I just thought it was so awesome that the series we are starting is, in a way, mirroring what I've been dwelling on. In following the "JOY" way of thinking I am able to "fill my empty cup."

I think that the timing of this is perfect too, with it being the beginning of a new year and everyone making resolutions...trying desperately to "fill their cups." We all want to start the new year off right, but let's be careful to not "fill our cups" with all the wrong things. What if we all start with Jesus?

<3

When our big plans fail

Hey y'all! It's been a minute since I've blogged hasn't it? I would apologize, but I'm actually not sorry about it. It's not that I don't care about y'all, and I'm not trying to sound mean, but I'm not sorry for my unexpected break from blogging this past month. In fact...I'm pretty proud of myself for taking a break. Let me tell you why...

First of all, I had a week where my family came to visit me!!! This was so exciting and fun and we made lots of memories and had lots of laughs. Seriously. It was healing to my soul to have my family here at the Hive. So while they were on the drive down I made a commitment to myself to put away my phone and laptop so that those things would not be a distraction during the time family was visiting. So there it was...a planned week long break from blogging. This felt strange at first, as I had been blogging nearly everyday for quite sometime, but after the initial strangeness wore off it was so pleasant to just enjoy every little thing. My one week hiatus turned into a week and a half and then quickly two weeks. I started to feel convicted, but not convicted about not blogging. I started feeling convicted about how much I had been missing out on...on all those days spent blogging (and on my phone) how much had I missed? Truth is...there was no way for me to even know how much I had missed. So I made another conscience decision to be "unplugged" for a bit longer. Especially during this precious time of Advent that we celebrate every year, things can already be so busy and rushed and full of activities. I wanted to make sure that I focused on the things that truly mattered and not have any guilt hanging over me for not answering every text or email right away or even blogging each nap time. I had originally had these big, BIG plans of blogging our Advent readings and activities for y'all to follow along with us, but I quickly realized that in my big plans I was actually failing entirely. I was failing to miss the real point. I was stealing the glory of the Advent season. 

In the time I've been away from the blog (and my phone too), we have had more time to fully enjoy the Advent season. We have enjoyed our usual nightly Bible readings, lighting the Advent candles, and family discussions of the gift of Christ. We have enjoyed many activities...some that went over well and some that were flops...some planned and some spur of the moment ideas too. We have sung Christmas songs, danced to Christmas music, made gifts, wrapped presents, baked cookies, painted, colored, glittered, glued, crafted, had an indoor snowball fight more than once, cleaned out toys and donated them, watched Christmas movies, drank and ate a lot of Starbuck's treats, and gotten lost driving to look at Christmas lights. It truly has been a wonderful and precious time of anticipation here at the Hive. I can't help but think that my not so unexpected break from being plugged in all the time...came at just the time. Just when I needed a reminder to slow down and enjoy the things that truly matter in life so that my heart could be fully prepared, and I could then prepare my children's hearts, to experience the Advent season and the celebration of the birth of Christ. 

Often we get ourselves wrapped up in all these ideas of what we should be reading, doing, experiencing that we miss what's truly important. We need to remember to not focus on all the "things" so that we don't miss focusing on THE thing that matters. We will forget to read one night, light the wrong candle, have an activity that turns into a disaster and isn't fun for anyone. If we are not careful to keep our focus right, we will end up serving our activity calendar, instead of serving Christ. You see...we don't need to plan big because we will fail.

The good news is that God has already planned big for us. We just have to enjoy the ride. 

I encourage you, in this week(!) before Christmas, to take some time to enjoy the ride. Maybe you need to unplug from a few things too? Phone? Computer? Planned activities even? Take time to refocus your heart on the meaning of this season. Prepare for the celebration to come. Let Jesus be your big plan. 

Jesus. Others. You.

<3

How Can I Help You?

Ever have those moments days when you can't do what you want because you have to do something else that you want?

I mean like when you're all, "Hey! I'm going to start eating healthy today!" And then you go pin 1,276 vegan recipes to try out, you make grocery lists, even put them on your meal plan, and then go eat chocolate chips, that are meant for baking, straight outta the bag. Want to eat healthy...want to eat chocolate chips.

Let's talk about that other little thing that we don't like to talk about all the time. It's the word that all women dread to hear...the word that the doctor gives them the "all clear" for about 6 weeks after they have a baby...the word that has the letters 'E,' 'X,' and 'S'... Exercise. What were you thinking? 

Somedays I wake up early, and get my workout in before the kids are up. Somedays I wait until nap time and then I workout. Somedays I don't workout at all and I eat ice cream for breakfast. Want to exercise...want to be lazy and also eat ice cream for breakfast.

What about the moments when you are working your tail off trying to get supper cooked to perfection, entertain the kids, clean up the mess in the kitchen you are making due to cooking the perfect supper, take the dog out, try to figure out for the millionth time why the baby is only taking a 45 minute nap, and also order christmas presents online because you're the only one that get those things done right now, but really you just want to go sit in the bathroom by yourself for the first time all day since you became a mother. Want to be super mom...want to go to the bathroom by yourself.

Let me try to further explain with this super serious meme...

See what I mean? :)

Oh Ariel, girl, I feel you. And just look at poor Prince Eric, he has no clue how to help. All he wants to do is fix it. Guys are such "fixers."

If you are anything like me, you certainly have these moments days, and when you do there's not really too much that will help or "fix" them. It's a lot all at once and it's stressful. You kind of just have to wait it out and let it pass. It eventually does and you wind up feeling like your normal self again, but geez, those wants can be conflicting at times and it's rough.

Sometimes I find myself getting frustrated during these moments. Sometimes I'm frustrated at myself or my kids or having to be the "responsible" one or even my husband. Recently I told my husband that when he sees that there is a lot going on, when he can tell that I'm stressing, when I'm having this "I want to do this, but I want to do that" moment I need him to help. I also told him that the best way for him to help me is to say, "How can I help you?" Because let's be honest...sometimes we think that we are helping, but in fact we are making the situation worse.

Here's a recent example we've had at the Hive, I went in to get Jackson up from a nap and he had a massive diaper explosion. It happens to all of us at some point, but it never seems any less disgusting. Since I was the lucky one to discover it, I got to be the one to clean the baby up. As I was changing his diaper, I called downstairs to tell Jason what had happened. I wanted to clean up the baby and also change out the sheets, but I knew I couldn't do both at the same time. Jason came up and started to take the bumper pads off the crib so that he could pick up the mattress and change the sheets. Before I could say anything, Jason goes to take off the little mirror that we have in Jackson's crib. He doesn't realize that it is tied on, however, and he rips it off. Torn. Broken. I got frustrated because he had done that and now I had another thing to do...sew new strings on the mirror so that it could go back in the crib after the sheets were changed. Jason felt bad, of course, and I did too. "I was just trying to help," is what he told me. And I understood it. His intentions really were good and I was thankful that he was willing to help out, but I really just wished he had asked how he could have helped. Because then I would have asked him to change the sheets, and reminded him about the mirror needing to be untied, because Jason has always been a bit of a bull in a china shop. Bless his heart. So then he felt bad and wanted to "fix" it because he had messed up the mirror. I told him it's not even about the mirror...it's about helping, and not just helping in a way that you think and choose, but asking before beginning and truly helping. Meeting another's needs. So that's when I told him, "If you really want to help, then ask me, 'how can I help you?' "

And you know what?

It helps so much! And it works both ways, ladies. I'm trying to be better about asking how I can help, and I challenge you to do the same. After all we were created to be our husband's helpmeet:

"Then the Lord God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him." -Genesis 2:18

I think that it would be good for us all to take a look at how we are helping one another. Want to eat healthy? Then help your family make healthy choices for food, and skip the drive thru lanes. Want to exercise more? Find a buddy or a coach to help you meet your goals. Want to go to the bathroom alone? Ask your husband to keep the kids with him for few minutes or 15 and don't forget to lock the door in case one of them escapes your husband.

We ought to be more intentional with our helping with others and we ought to start asking how we can truly help those that we love and care about. Aren't those the people that we ought to show the most help towards? Rather than give them our leftovers at the end of the day?

Of course the biggest way that we can help others is by praying for them, but how about we ask for specific ways in which we can pray for others? Let's all take up the challenge of asking, "How can I help you?" more often. You might find that you're the one that gets the most help out of doing so.

How can I help you?

<3

Chocolate Chip Cookies...again!

Ok, ok, so we reeeeeally like chocolate chip cookies here at the Hive, and my last batch of cookies have been gone for awhile so it was time to make a new batch.

Today I decided to be adventurous in the kitchen...and make another mess...and create a brand new cookie recipe. The last cookie recipe that I shared with you makes a slightly crunchy cookie, and I'm determined to make a chewy version. I'd say that today I was pretty successful. After baking the cookies and sampling them, because you must sample them, Ava said, "Mom, you get 1,289 points for these," and Lyla said, "It's almost too much good to eat!" Jason has yet to try them, but I can almost guarantee that he'll be sampling them as soon as he gets home.

Ingredients:

2 cups all purpose flour

1 1/2 teaspoon cornstarch

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

3/4 cup butter, melted (I use Earth Balance as it is vegan)

1 cup brown sugar (I had dark brown sugar on hand this time)

1/2 cup white sugar

1/4 cup vegetable oil

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

1-2 tablespoons water if needed

1/2 - 1 cup chocolate chips (I use Enjoy Life brand as they are vegan)


Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees and line cookie sheet with parchment paper.

2. In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, cornstarch, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

3. In a medium bowl, use a mixer to blend the butter, brown sugar, white sugar, vegetable oil, and vanilla extract.

4. Mix in the dry ingredients a little at a time until it is all incorporated. You many need to add some water to achieve the proper texture for your mixture. Mine started to get a bit crumbly so I added in about 2 tablespoons water and it was perfect.

5. Using a spoon, stir in your chocolate chips. To be honest, I don't usually measure out my chocolate chips beforehand...I just add enough to make it look yummy.

6. Make about 1 inch balls out of your cookie dough and place on your cookie sheet. Place them about 2 inches apart. This batch made about 4 dozen cookies for me.

7. Bake at 325 for about 12-14 minutes.

8. Try to not to eat all of the cookies before your husband gets home from work. ;)

Enjoy! And let me know if you tried this recipe out!

<3

Looking For A Lunchtime Alternative?

I'm all about routine and such, even with my meal planning, but sometimes I just cannot bring myself to eat yet another peanut butter and honey (we prefer honey to jelly here at the Hive) sandwich. I also started to feel a little guilty serving the same lunches to my kids every. single. day.  I decided a couple of weeks ago that I was going to commit to adding a little variety to our lunches, and discussed it with my girls. I asked them what they would want to try and mix into our lunches so that we were only eating 2 or maybe 3 sandwiches a week. They gave several suggestions, one of them being chicken nuggets. I told them that I was not going to be giving them chicken nuggets on the regular. Every once and awhile I'll treat them to it, but remember...we're vegan over here.

So I started brainstorming, and making a mess in my kitchen. Today I give you my recipe for "Chickpea Nuggets." Believe me when I say that my kids devoured these. Essentially this was going to be a "Chickpea Burger" for lunch, but then I got the bright idea to cut them into small bite sized pieces (after they were cooked) and voila...nuggets! I also apologize for the lack of pictures throughout this process, but we currently have a broken camera. You can read all about that here.

This is the recipe I use to make about 20 burger patties (about 2 inch patties). I cook some for the day I'm using them and then freeze the rest. You can certainly half the recipe if needed. In fact, the next time I make it I will probably make half in my food processor at a time. It works fine to do it all at once, but requires you to scrape down the sides of your food processor several times, as it is so full. I think it would be easier to manage if I cut the recipe in half and then just run the food processor twice. Hope that makes sense. :)

Ingredients:

2 15oz cans Chickpeas

1 15oz can Whole Peeled Tomatoes

1 cup Breadcrumbs

1 cup Walnuts

1 tablespoon Lemon Juice

1 teaspoon Sea Salt

1 teaspoon Onion Powder

1 teaspoon Nature's Seasoning

Canola Oil for pan frying your patties


Directions:

1. Drain and rinse your Chickpeas and put into a food processor.

2. Add your breadcrumbs, walnuts, lemon juice, sea salt, onion powder, nature's seasoning, and pulse.

3. Add in your whole tomatoes...no juice...just the actual tomatoes. I like to add these in 1 at a time to monitor the consistency of the mixture, but I usually end up using 4 tomatoes. (Remember if you are halving your recipe to only use half the tomatoes in the can.)

4. Make your patties. I usually make about 2 inch patties, maybe it's because I have small hands, but you can certainly make larger patties if you prefer.

Yes, I know there are only 15 patties in the picture...trust me there were more. :)

5. Heat your skillet over medium heat. Add oil to about 1/2 standing and heat. Cook your patties about 3-5 minutes on each side or until desired brownness.

6. Serve as burgers if you'd like. On a bun, without a bun, toppings galore! OR cut into quarters to serve as "nuggets"

These are quick and easy to whip up...we're talking 20 minutes start to finish. They make the everyday boring lunch more delicious and healthy! What's not to love? My girls like to have a little dipping sauce (ketchup, honey mustard, etc) along with them too. Let me know if you tried this recipe and how you liked it!

<3

It happened today...I became angry mom...

Today started out with all the potential in the world, just as any other day, and then it happened...I became angry mom.

I had just changed Jackson into his dapper little outfit so that I could take pictures of him. (Today he is four months old, and I take pictures each month.) I asked Ava to go downstairs and bring up my camera for me. I've probably asked her to do this 100 times before. So down the stairs she goes, singing in her opera voice. I hear her prance into the office where the camera stays on a shelf, and then I hear her scream, "AHHHH! A lizard!" She starts to run back to the steps and then I hear another sound. It's a crash, thud, cracking sound. And then crying. All the crying in the world. She knew what she had done. She had just thrown my camera.

We're not talking an iphone in a protective case. We're talking a DSLR Nikon that has a big ol' lens and costs around $500-$600. She just threw it. She came running up the stairs to confirm it to me, to which I replied, "You did NOT just throw my camera. I know you didn't just do that." But her tears and crying and moans of "I hate myself" and "I'm sorry mommy" only validated that she had done the act. "Go to your room and don't come out," I said to her sternly. Then down the steps I went to see my camera in two pieces. I was hopeful at first that the lens had just popped off and could easily be reattached. Nope. Of course not. Not so lucky. When I tried to turn on my camera it just tells me, "lens not attached." Gee thanks, I've sorted that much out myself actually. I somehow manage to get it to work for a bit so that I can take pictures of Jackson, but there's no getting around it...it's broken.

I get Jackson down for his nap and then it's time for us to start school. But not before I have to face Ava again. I've learned, that for myself, when I start to feel anger well up inside me and it's directed towards my children that I have to send them away from me for a bit. "Go to your room," "Go away from me," or "Go to time out," are pretty common phrases around here when we are disciplining. It's not so much for the kids as it is for me. I try my very best to have patience and maintain a calmness when dealing with kids. Chalk it up to my education background or whatever you will, but I can be infinitely more patient with a child than with an adult. Children just don't know any better sometimes and I understand that. But when it's something like this...something that a child deliberately did even though they know and are capable of doing better...I just snap.

I call Ava out of her room and tell her to go downstairs so that we can start on school. I give her an earful the entire time we are walking to the office. "I cannot believe that you threw my camera. Do you know how expensive that is? We don't have the money for a new camera and you just go and throw it down! You act like it's not even a big deal! I am so angry at you!" Of course Ava is in tears, she's always had a knack for turning on the waterworks, and I know that she probably does feel bad. But you know what? I want her to feel bad. I want her to know that she has messed up and in a big way.

We get to the office, where we do school, and I open up my teacher's book to start to prepare for our lesson as Ava works on the computer. Want to know what we are supposed to start our school day with? Hmmm? Well we always start the week with a Proverb...here's this week's Proverb...

"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." Proverbs 29:11

Yeah, you read that right.

And that's where I completely lose it. I fell to my knees and sobbed. Right there in the office. Right there in front of my children. Who immediately run to me with all the, "What's wrong momma?'s" in the world. I am a huge failure. I am a terrible mother. I am completely disgraceful. How am I supposed to teach this when I am the biggest offender? 

I talk with my girls, through tears and runny noses, about how I am not perfect. I read the Proverb to them. I apologize to them and to Ava specifically for losing it when I was angry. And do you know what Ava says to me? It's the same thing I've said to her 100 times before..."It's ok to be angry, Mom, it's just not ok to scream when you are angry." By this point I am a blubbering mess of tears and snot on the floor huddled up with my girls in my lap. And it made me think of how incredible God is. How many times do we make Him angry? How many times do we fail Him? How many times do we "break"promises to Him? And He never loses His control with us. He continually shows love and concern and care towards us, in spite of it all. I am so thankful for His love and His teaching...even when it hurts to learn it.

I'm not saying that I'm never going to lose my temper again because I know that I will, but when that time comes I am going to remember this moment. I am going to think of this Proverb and I am going to try to keep myself under control. 

During nap time today I decided that I needed to turn the day around in a positive way. So I went outside and dug up a giant bush that we were wanting to get rid of. It was cathartic. Of course the digging it up part was easier than the time that came to move it to the curb. I hadn't quite thought it through. Seeing as it weighed well over 50 pounds with all the roots and dirt...I couldn't pick it up. Instead I mountain climber-ed it all the way to the curb. Take that bush. 

I never did find that stupid lizard.

<3